


put my trust in you (i walk on water)

by terpsichorean



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hugging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Secrets, background amanda/farah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-01-17 16:36:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 26,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12369729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terpsichorean/pseuds/terpsichorean
Summary: Todd was more than hugging Dirk, he was clutching at him. His arms wrapped around Dirk’s body like vises and his fingers dug into Dirk’s shirt so tightly it felt like they might wrinkle it. For a wild moment, Dirk wished he wasn’t even wearing a shirt so that Todd could cling that tightly to his bare skin. Maybe then he would leave marks that Dirk could peruse later, to remind himself that this moment had been real.Or5 times Dirk and Todd hugged.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Ummm, so this fic kinda came out of the idea that Dirk is touch starved and a desire for a fic to deal with that. and then that just kinda spiraled into a 5 times idea, because i love 5 times fics. and here we are. this fic is mostly complete. i'm hoping the next part will be up in the next couple of weeks, probably with the final part coming in november, school and real life permitting. i wanted to have it all posted before the premiere but, oh well! better late than never. 
> 
> the title is from the song 'i walk on water' by kaleo. 
> 
> also, as a psa, this fic could just have easily been '5 times dirk and/or todd cried' so, there's that i guess. enjoy!

1.

 

It was an unfortunate fact of Dirk’s life that he wasn’t even surprised when the tranquilizer dart hit him in the arm.

 

When he woke up, who knew how long later, it was to a familiar sight: blank concrete walls, no windows, and a locked door. He felt a wave of longing for his flat in the Ridgely, even though he had barely spent any time there since acquiring it. Better yet, he longed for Todd’s flat; it was much nicer than his own, even in its current shabby state courtesy of the Rowdy Three. And it had one major advantage over Dirk’s own flat: Todd was in it. And any Todd, even an angry Todd, was better than no Todd at all.

 

He thought about Todd in the diner, about his crooked smile and his laughter. It was incredible to see Todd truly and honestly happy; the closest Dirk had seen to it before that moment was on their road trip out into the woods to find Patrick Spring’s machine.

 

Stupid universe, always ruining things just when they were getting good.

 

The door opening interrupted his thoughts. Two army fellows entered his little cell, followed by a woman wearing a business suit. She was holding a folder and Dirk would have tried to read what was written on it but he was far too preoccupied by the giant guns that the two guards were carrying. Really, more guns being pointed at him as just what he needed right now.

 

“Project Icarus.” The woman said briskly. She smiled thinly when he didn’t respond. “Dirk Gently, then. It’s been a long time.”

 

“Actually, if you’re referring to the last time I was locked in a cell, it really hasn’t been very long. Just this week I’ve- “

 

The woman cut him off. “I don’t actually care. All that matters to me is fixing this Blackwing mess. And you’re at the top of my to-do list.”

 

Dirk swallowed, feeling his heart start to pound. “Well, that seems unnecessarily ominous. I don’t know what Riggins told you- “

 

The woman cut him off again. “Riggins is no longer involved in this operation. He won’t be interfering on your behalf again.”

 

On his behalf? Really? That seemed…out of character, to say the least.

 

“Gently.” A voice snapped. Dirk refocussed on the situation at hand to find the woman glaring at him impatiently. Ah yes, scary woman, big guns, how could he forget?

 

Seeing that she had reclaimed his attention, the woman continued. “We’ve located Projects Incubus and Abbadon and are in the process of apprehending them. Tell me where the other Projects are.”

 

“The other-?” Dirk spluttered. “I don’t know! I-I don’t even know who they are! It’s not like Blackwing was some social club!”

 

The woman narrowed her eyes suspiciously. “I see.” Then she shrugged, as if she hadn’t a care in the world. If that was the case, then Dirk truly envied her. “Maybe some time alone in here will change your mind.”

 

“I told you, I don’t know! I can’t change my mind about telling you something that I don’t actually know!”

 

But the woman didn’t seem to be listening anymore as she turned around and exited the room, quickly followed by the two guards. The door closed behind the lot of them, locking with a loud thud.

 

Well, that was just wonderful. Now he was stuck in a locked cell, waiting on the return of a scary lady with a lot of firepower who wanted to know something he had no way of knowing.

 

He stewed on his (truly, incredibly, uncomfortable) cot for a few moments, contemplating the deep unfairness of the universe. He would have gotten up to check the room for possible escape routes or weaknesses except 1) he had no idea what to look for and 2) he wouldn’t be able to make use of a potential weakness even if he found one because Farah hadn’t taught him any escape-y skills yet (though they were doing that as soon as he got out, this was just embarrassing) and finally, 3) it didn’t _feel_ like the right thing to do. In fact, the right thing to do felt like sitting on this cot, stewing in his own ineptitude, and waiting.

 

So, that’s what he did. He waited, and he waited, and he waited. And after all that waiting, he waited some more.

 

Waiting was _awful_. Sitting alone in silence gave him far too much time to think.

 

He just didn’t understand why this was happening. It had seemed so clear that he was meant to be in Seattle. He was meant to meet Todd (though yes, he had stacked the deck a little in his favor there, although could you blame him when all that stood between him and a best friend was one itty-bitty lie? Dirk cut that thought off before it could go any further, Todd’s anguished face appearing in his mind like some guilt provoking ghost). They were _meant_ to work the case together and meet Farah and save Lydia Spring. The universe couldn’t have been clearer if it had written a message in the sky. So then why was he compelled to walk outside that diner, just when everything was looking up, so he could get captured by the CIA all over again?

 

Maybe it was some kind of lesson. The universe giveth and the universe taketh away or something ridiculous like that. Nothing was permanent, nobody stayed, and he was always alone.

 

Just as Dirk finished thinking that, the door opened. He rolled his eyes. “Seriously? What does it take for a someone to be able to mope in peace around here?”

 

“What?”

 

Dirk immediately froze. He must be hallucinating or dreaming or _something_ , as there was no Earthly way that _that_ voice could be here, in some kind of super-secret-underground CIA bunker. If that voice was here, then that would mean –

 

Todd Brotzman stood in doorway, the red strobing light behind him illuminating him like some kind of demonic guardian angel. He had a giant gun cradled in his arms and ammunition strapped around his chest. His face was streaked with dirt and his eyes were wild.

 

In short, he was the most beautiful thing Dirk had ever seen.

 

“Todd?” Dirk asked, voice shaking. There was simply no way that Todd could be here. How would he have gotten in? Where did he get the gun? Why hadn’t he been stopped by any of the (presumably myriad) guards? And none of those questions even addressed how he could have possibly _found_ this facility. Super-secret-underground CIA bunkers were notoriously difficult to find; Dirk should know.  

 

But it felt right. It didn’t feel like a wilful hallucination, or like Dirk had somehow managed to lose his mind in the time he had been staring at the ceiling and watching dust motes float through the air. It felt right in the same way that breaking into Todd’s flat felt right, in the same way that convincing Todd to let him drive to Amanda’s house that first day felt right. The way it had felt after getting Todd’s call after their first fight, when Todd had (reluctantly, but still) asked for his help in investigating Gordon Rimmer’s house: like something vital in the universe had just been put in place, although Dirk couldn’t see how yet.

 

Which would mean that Todd was meant to be here, in this bunker, in this cell. And if Todd was meant to be here, then maybe that meant –

 

“Oh my god, Dirk!” In the blink of an eye, Todd was crashing to his knees in front of Dirk, dropping the gun in his arms. Those arms then wrapped around Dirk and pulled him towards Todd.

 

Dirk almost resisted, but it happened so fast that he was so caught off guard he couldn’t react until he was pressed against Todd’s chest. And then he froze up, because this was something else entirely.

 

Dirk had…limited experience with physical contact, to say the least. It was difficult to learn the rules of social engagement when one was being dragged around by the wrist by the universe, so he had an unfortunate habit of alienating people. And people weren’t exactly receptive to receiving touches, however innocent, from strangers. Nor were they inclined to dole them out. Dirk could barely remember the last time he’d been hugged, and it certainly hadn’t been anything like _this_.

 

Todd was more than hugging Dirk, he was clutching at him. His arms wrapped around Dirk’s body like vises and his fingers dug into Dirk’s shirt so tightly it felt like they might wrinkle it. For a wild moment, Dirk wished he wasn’t even wearing a shirt so that Todd could cling that tightly to his bare skin. Maybe then he would leave marks that Dirk could peruse later, to remind himself that this moment had been real.

 

Feeling slightly flustered, Dirk finally relaxed into the embrace and very tentatively brought his arms around Todd. His hands flailed for moment, unsure what to do with themselves, before settling gingerly on Todd’s shoulders. What were people even meant to do with their hands in this kind of thing? Pat? Squeeze? Stroke? Dirk tried all three. And then he continued to stroke. My, but Todd had quite nice shoulders, didn’t he?

 

Dirk was so distracted that he barely noticed Todd speaking.

 

“Thank God you’re alright,” Todd was saying, “I don’t know what I would’ve done if- “

 

Todd cut himself off, squeezed him tight one last time, and then let go.

 

Dirk missed this fact as he was a teensy bit distracted by the warm press of Todd against his chest and his continued examination of Todd’s shoulders. Then Todd huffed a laugh and put his hand on Dirk’s shoulders, pushing very gently.

 

Dirk immediately let go, withdrawing as fast as he could. This hugging business was really very difficult wasn’t it? How was one meant to know when the hug was finished? He was going to have to work on this. He hoped very desperately that he would be able to work on it with Todd as an assistant. But all thoughts of future hugging training regiments were quickly forgotten when Dirk took in Todd’s face, complete with teary eyes.

 

Oh no, no, no, no, this was awful. Todd wasn’t meant to cry! Todd only cried when something truly awful was happening, like that positively horrid time on the pier. He couldn’t cry now when something good (really good, positively amazing in Dirk’s opinion) was happening.

 

Dirk cupped Todd’s cheeks in his hands, as if he could stop any tears from falling through physical force. And then he said the only thing he could think to say.

 

“Aren’t you a little short for a skydiver?”

 

Todd’s face twisted into a frown. Well, not precisely the reaction Dirk was going for, but much better than tears, so Dirk was going to jot this one down as a win.

 

“What are you even saying right now?” Todd asked, that note of despairing confusion in his voice that Dirk had grown so unreasonably fond of.

 

“Y’know, in _Star War_? When Watkin rescues King Jeffrey on the Elsecube?”

 

Todd squinted at him for a long second before tentatively saying, “Do you mean _Star Wars_? Like, Luke and Princess Leia on the Deathstar?”

 

Now Dirk was the one confused. “No, I’m pretty sure it was Watkin and Jeffrey on the Elsecube.” Dirk let go of Todd’s face as tears no longer seemed imminent and flailed his hands, cutting the protest Todd was about to make off. “But that doesn’t matter now! What matters is…” He gesticulated at Todd’s entire person, not quite sure how to put the enormity of this situation into words, “You’re here!”

 

Todd’s frown shifted, gaining the determined edge Dirk remembered so well from their first case, usually seen whenever he was about to do something ridiculously brave and stupid. Brupid. Strave? Hmm.

 

“That’s right. I’m here now. And I’m not gonna let them take you again.” Todd stood, picking up his gun with one hand and offering the other to Dirk. “We’re getting out of here. C’mon.”

 

Dirk slipped his hand into Todd’s and found himself pulled to his feet in one smooth motion. That was a nice trick; Todd had a very good grip and some impressive upper body strength and – Good Lord, Dirk’s face was feeling very warm and he really should try to concentrate and – oh. Todd hadn’t let go on his hand yet. That was – yes.

 

When Dirk looked up from staring at their joined hands, Todd was staring intently at him.

 

“You gotta stay close to me, okay Dirk? Farah’s covering the hall outside and the Rowdy Three should be out by now. But there’s still a bunch of guards around so we have to be careful. You ready?”

 

Dirk nodded, unable to break eye contact with Todd. “Yes. I’m ready.”

 

Todd smiled slightly and squeezed Dirk’s hand briefly before letting go, seeming to finally notice that they were still connected. “Alright. Then let’s get out of here.”

 

Maybe he’d been too hasty before. After all, Todd and Farah (his friends!) were here, breaking him out of a super-secret-underground CIA bunker that they shouldn’t have even been able to find. Maybe the universe had decided to give him something good for once. Maybe, he thought, looking at Todd, this was something he got to keep.

 

 

2.

 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

 

Dirk blinked, turning away from the grimy bar laid out in front of them to face Todd. “Of course, it is Todd. This establishment is exactly where the case has been leading us!”

 

Todd frowned back at him suspiciously. Dirk struggled and failed not to find it endearing. “Dirk, we were driving around randomly for hours and then you just jumped out at a stoplight and ran in here.”

 

“Yes, because the _universe_ wanted me to. And we weren’t driving _randomly_ , we were going -” Dirk started, trying not to roll his eyes.

 

“– where the universe wanted us to go because nothing is random, yeah, I know.” Todd finished for him, and _actually_ rolled his eyes. Well, that was just rude. “So, why did the universe want us to come here?”

 

Dirk grinned. “Absolutely no idea!”

 

Todd sighed. “Somehow, I knew you were gonna say that. Well, I guess as long as we’re here we might as well get a couple drinks and find somewhere to sit. Preferably before we get anymore weird looks.”

 

Sure enough, the scattered patrons of the bar were glancing at them oddly. That may have been because Dirk had been standing in the door for about ten minutes while he waited for Todd to catch up with him. Now that he thought about it, Todd had probably been trying to find a parking space. Cars could be so inconvenient sometimes.

 

Todd set off for the bar, Dirk trailing behind. It didn’t take very long to get service as the bar was fairly empty. Dirk couldn’t decide if that was because the bar was so grungy or because it was barely past three in the afternoon.

 

“I can get two Pike IPAs, please?” Todd asked. The bartender grunted in response but dutifully poured two pints.

 

“Do you really think we should be drinking?” Dirk asked. Todd shrugged.

 

“It’s five o’clock somewhere.” He said. Dirk tilted his head to the side while he considered this.

 

“While that’s very true Todd, I don’t really understand what that has to do with this particular situation.”

 

“It means –“ Todd cut himself off and looked at him for a moment before continuing. “It’s just something people say to make themselves feel better about drinking during the day so they don’t feel like burgeoning alcoholics.”

 

Dirk nodded sagely. “Ah, I see.” Dirk did not see.

 

The bartender grunted again and pushed the two pints toward them. Todd paid, grabbed the pints, and walked over to a booth. Dirk sat down across from him and accepted one of the pints as Todd pushed it toward him.

 

“What’s this?”

 

“Beer.” Todd squinted at him. “You’ve had beer before, right?”

 

Dirk scoffed. “Of course, I have Todd. Really, I’m not nearly so sheltered as you think I am.”

 

Todd put up his hands defensively. “Alright, just checking.”

 

“It’s alright, Todd. I appreciate your concern for my wellbeing.” It was actually very touching. Dirk hadn’t had very many people care about how he was doing or worry about him. It was nice to feel taken care of.

 

Todd stared at him for a long second. “Um, okay.” Todd broke Dirk’s gaze and took a long draught of his beer.

 

Dirk turned to his own drink and took a sip. Which he promptly spat back out.

 

“Dirk? What’s wrong?” Todd asked, sounding fairly panicked. Dirk was too busy trying to wipe the taste off his tongue with his hands to answer immediately.

 

“Dirk!”

 

Dirk stopped scraping long enough to speak. He never liked it when Todd was upset, and he definitely sounded like he was warming up to being quite upset now. He’d even recently begun excusing himself when he got too worked up. Although Dirk always offered, multiple times, to accompany him or to help him in anyway he could, Todd always refused. There was nothing Dirk hated more than sitting somewhere, twiddling his thumbs, knowing that Todd was so upset that he needed to be alone (and away from Dirk who had probably made him upset in the first place although Dirk never knew _how_. He’d even tried asking Todd once how he could be less upsetting, but that conversation had only resulted in Todd being very confused. Maybe Dirk needed to be clearer.) So really, it was much better to just nip this in the bud.

 

 “What on earth is that?” Dirk asked, trying to sound cool and collected and like he hadn’t just spewed beer all over the table. He suspected that he was failing, as his voice sounded much higher than it usually did.

 

“Uh, beer? Where you expecting something else?” Todd sounded less upset and more confused. A step in the right direction. “Wait, I thought you said you had had beer before?” Ooooh, now he sounded more angry than confused. Wrong direction, wrong direction!

 

“I’ve had beer before yes, and this is not beer. This is a – a travesty, that’s what this is!”

 

“Dirk, this beer is from The Pike Brewery, it’s one of the best beers in Seattle. It’s won awards.” Todd said, giving Dirk his ‘who-are-you-and-why-do-I-associate-with-you’ look. Now this look Dirk should definitely not find endearing, and yet.

 

“Well, I don’t know what kind of awards it won, but it certainly didn’t win the This Tastes Good And Is Fit For Human Consumption award.”

 

“Dirk – “

 

“If you like it so much, why don’t you drink it.” Dirk shoved his beer over to Todd’s side of the table. “I’m going to go get another drink. One that tastes nice.”

 

“Wait, Dirk – “ But Dirk was already up and heading back to bar. Where he stood politely and waited while the bartender cleaned a pile of glasses before acknowledging him with a grunt.

 

“Yes, hello,” Dirk started, “I’d like to get a drink, please.” He paused. “Thank you.”

 

The bartender stared at him for a long moment of silence before grunting again.

 

“Oh! I suppose you’d like to know what I want.” Dirk laughed awkwardly. “I guess I’d like something…sweet? Ooh, could you make something that tastes like orange soda? I do like orange soda.”

 

The bartender stared at him for another long moment. Dirk had the feeling he was being appraised, like some kind of curious antique lamp. Then the bartender grunted again, sounding just the slightest bit less filled with ennui. Then he turned to the bar and started selecting bottles.

 

Soon enough, a very orange drink was placed in front of Dirk. He reached out and with one last glance at the bartender, who seemed to be leaning forward slightly in anticipation, took a hesitant sip. And grinned.

 

“That’s delicious! Thank you so much!” Dirk exclaimed. The bartender nodded, and possibly even cracked a smile; it was hard to tell under his beard.

 

Dirk paid and headed back to the table, where Todd was waiting and staring into his beer. Well, technically Dirk’s beer, as it seemed he had finished his own pint while Dirk was fetching his new drink.

 

Todd startled when Dirk sat across from him. “Oh, you’re back. What did you get?”

 

Dirk grinned. “I don’t know.”

 

Todd frowned. “What’s in it?”

 

“Haven’t the foggiest.”

 

Todd rubbed his hands across his eyes and then took a long drink. “Yeah, that sounds about right. So, the case? Are we just going to wait until something happens?”

 

“Well the universe obviously wanted us to be here, so the case is connected to something or someone here. I’m sure it’ll present itself shortly.”

 

Todd snorted derisively but didn’t say anything, apparently preferring to turn back to his drink.

 

They sat in silence for a moment, both of them sipping their drinks. Finally, Dirk set down his drink.

 

“What?” Todd asked.

 

“Oh nothing, I’m just going to get another drink.” Dirk said, starting to get up.

 

“But you didn’t even drink half of the one you already have.” Todd said, gesturing to the drink Dirk had just set down.

 

“Yes, but there’s only so much orange soda taste one can handle at once, right?”

 

Todd stared at him. “I’ve seen you drink an entire 2 liters of orange soda in one sitting. It wasn’t pretty, but I’ve seen you do it.”

 

Dirk shrugged. “Well, I don’t want the rest of it. Why don’t you have it?” And Dirk walked back over the bar, the sound of Todd’s aggravated sigh following him.

 

The bartender looked up from his seemingly unending pile of dirty glasses at Dirk’s approach and grunted. Dirk chose to believe that it was marginally more friendly than the previous times.

 

“Hello again!” Dirk leaned against the bar like he’d seen suave characters do in movies. He missed the bar with his elbow the first time but he got it the second time, so he was counting it as a win. “I was wondering if I could trouble you for another drink? I’m thinking something fruity and bubbly. Maybe effervescent. Yes, I think that would be good.”

 

The bartender grunted softly, as if in thought, before whirling and pulling bottles down. He poured and mixed in a whirl of motion before pushing a dark fizzing drink over to Dirk. Dirk didn’t even hesitate, he just slapped down some money, thanked the bartender, and walked back to their table.

 

Todd seemed to have been getting on fine without him, as he’d now finished the second beer and moved onto Dirk’s abandoned orange soda-esque drink. He made a face every time he took a sip but he kept drinking it determinedly.

 

“If you don’t like, why are you drinking it?” Dirk asked as he sat down.

 

“It’s perfectly good alcohol Dirk, I’m not just gonna waste it. This stuff costs money, and we’re not exactly rolling in it right now. That would require us getting an actual paying case.”

 

Dirk decided not to argue and took a sip of his drink. It was delicious, just like the last one. They were definitely going to have to come here more often. Wherever here was.

 

A comfortable silence fell between the two of them. Todd was looking around the room, taking a drink absentmindedly every few seconds. He was obviously studying the crowd, searching for their next clue. Dirk, who was used to the fickle nature of the universe, didn’t bother searching and mostly just looked at Todd.

 

At the rate Todd was drinking, it didn’t take him long to finish his drink. When he did, Dirk pushed his over to him.

 

Todd just looked at the new drink that had ended up in his hands before sighing. “Getting another one?”

 

Dirk grinned at him. “Yes!” Todd just stared at him dumbly as he got up; Dirk could feel his eyes on him all the way to the bar.

 

And so, they established a pattern. Dirk would get a drink, tire of it after a few sips, and pass it onto Todd, who would finish it stoically. Their table slowly filled up with empty glasses as Todd gamely worked his way through them all. Which is how, an hour or so later, Dirk came back to the table with another glass and found Todd sprawled face down on the table surrounded by empty glasses.

 

Dirk slowly lowered himself into his seat, wary that he might have to get up quickly and seek help. Or a bucket. “Todd? Are you feeling alright?” Todd just moaned in response.

 

“Todd, I’m sorry but I don’t know what that means. Todd…Todd?” Todd didn’t answer beyond another pathetic sounding moan that trailed off into silence. After a long moment, Dirk reached out and poked Todd hesitantly on the head. No response. So, he did it again. This time, Todd made a sad sound that reminded Dirk of the stray cat who lived near the Ridgely and always wanted to be petted. So really, it wasn’t Dirk’s fault that he responded to the sound by starting to pet Todd’s hair. It was just ingrained instinct, completely automatic. It certainly wasn’t something Dirk had thought about doing before.

 

Todd melted under Dirk’s hand, sagging further into the table. They sat like that for awhile, Dirk petting Todd’s (surprisingly soft, he’d have to ask him what shampoo he used) hair while Todd did his best impression of a deflating balloon, complete with occasional whining squeak. Finally, Todd sat up and blearily looked at Dirk with watery eyes.

 

“Dirk –“ Todd started and cut himself off. His eyes widened and he looked so frightened for a second that Dirk couldn’t help but glance behind him for some kind of threat. But there was nothing there and by the time he’d turned around again Todd was pulling himself clumsily to his feet.

 

“Wait, Todd, where –“ Dirk stood too, reaching for Todd’s arm. Todd yanked away from him before Dirk reached him, so violently that he almost over balanced. Dirk immediately retreated, stepping back to put some space between them. Todd shot him a wild look and swallowed heavily.

 

“Sorry Dirk, I just gotta –“ And Todd was off, wobbling away on unsteady feet. He almost collided with another patron, swerving at the last second and disappearing into the bathroom.

 

Well, that had certainly been – odd. But maybe Todd was just feeling unwell. Dirk knew he hated being helped when he was feeling below the weather. Maybe it would be best to just wait for Todd here, so he wouldn’t have to deal with Dirk pestering him and his upset stomach at the same time.

 

Decision made, Dirk sat back down and waited. And waited. And waited. After what felt like millennia, he decided it was probably best to check on Todd, even if it made Todd upset. Better Todd upset than potentially hurt and needing Dirk’s assistance.

 

Dirk made his way over to the bathroom. There was only one stall occupied; after a long moment hesitating, Dirk knocked ever so gently on the door. “Todd? Are you alright?”

 

There was a long moment of silence before Todd responded in a strangled voice. “Yeah, I’m – ah – I’m fine Dirk, just-just gimme a second okay? I’ll be out soon.”

 

Dirk nodded, even though Todd couldn’t see him. “Yes, of course, I’ll just wait outside, shall I? Yes, I’ll do – yes.” Dirk retreated from the room and slumped against the wall outside.

 

He didn’t want to push Todd. He never wanted to push Todd beyond what he was comfortable giving (at least in terms of their friendship; the universe often didn’t care how far one was willing to go or how much one was willing to give in the name of a case). And Dirk realized that he had pushed Todd before, pushed him to take control of his life and make different choices or pushed him to be less hard on himself or be more honest with his family, but those had all turned out alright. Todd may have been frustrated or confused, but he hadn’t walked away from Dirk or cut him out of his life. Not like he had done that day on the pier. That was the one thing Dirk was truly afraid of.

 

So, he wouldn’t push Todd to let him in, to let him help. Not because he didn’t care, but because he cared too much. He’d gotten too far in, and now he didn’t know what he would do without Todd, without the family he was building at the Detective Agency. Dirk had been alone too long to want to be alone again.

 

Dirk slumped against the wall outside the bathroom for who knows how long. A few other patrons passed him on their way to the bathroom and threw him the occasional glance, but he was mostly ignored. Maybe this was a regular occurrence in this establishment, someone sitting despondently outside a restroom.

 

Eventually the bathroom door opened and there was Todd. He looked pale and clammy, his shirt sticking to his skin in odd places. His hair was sticking up all over his head, as if he had been running his fingers through it incessantly.

 

Todd started to walk back toward the bar, only slightly less wobbly than before. He obviously hadn’t seen Dirk, so Dirk reached out and grabbed his hand before he could wander off. Todd startled badly and whirled toward him, before seeming to realize it was only Dirk and not something threatening. Although maybe he wasn’t much better, judging by the way Todd’s expression crumpled into one of pure misery.

 

“Have you been sitting here the whole time?” Todd asked, voice as miserable as his face.

 

Feeling suddenly awkward, Dirk cleared his throat and got to his feet. “I-I didn’t know if you might need something, so I thought I should stay nearby. Just in case, you understand.”

 

For whatever reason, this didn’t seem to make Todd feel better. “I’m so sorry, Dirk,” he said.

 

Dirk scoffed, smiling gently. “For what, Todd? Feeling ill? I’d be surprised if you didn’t after so much alcohol. And if anyone’s at fault, it’s me; I kept making you drink, after all.”

 

Todd shook his head, blearily glaring at Dirk. “No, you didn’t make me do anything. I did this. Why do you always do that?”

 

“Pardon?” Dirk asked.

 

Todd flailed his arms, as if trying to gesture to the entire world at once. “Why do you always put everything on yourself? I make my own shitty decisions, Dirk! It’s not your fault, so don’t act like it is!”

 

Dirk put up his hand in surrender. “Alright, I won’t, I guess?”

 

Todd didn’t seem to have heard him because he was still talking. “I mean, it’s like you have this idea of who I am in your head, but it’s all wrong. You think I’m this great person, and you think I’m brave, or like some stupid knight in shining armor or something. And I’m not! And I don’t need you putting those kinds of expectations on me, Dirk!”

 

“I don’t think I am?” Dirk said, utterly in the dark. He didn’t think they were talking about Todd getting drunk at this point. This seemed like something else.

 

“I don’t need it because I can’t be those things!” Todd continued ranting. “I can’t, and y’know why? It’s because I’m a shitty person. And I’ve always been a shitty person.” Todd stopped and looked at the ground for a long moment. When he finally spoke again, he looked back up at Dirk, eyes watery.

 

“I thought I could be different, y’know, after I met you? I thought that this could be my chance, to turn it around and come clean about everything and just...be better. Like, just - change who I was.” Todd shrugged helplessly. “But I can’t. And I didn’t. I’m still the piece of shit that I was before.”

 

Dirk shook his head desperately. “No Todd, you’re not a shitty person, what are you talking about -”

 

Dirk cut himself off when he noticed another bar patron trying to squeeze past them into the bathroom. He was suddenly incredibly cognizant of the fact that they were in a public space and speaking rather loudly. It was entirely possible that someone had overheard their conversation and Dirk knew that Todd would be mortified if and when he realized that.

 

Dirk grabbed Todd’s hand again, dragging him toward the exit sign at the end of the hallway. “C’mon, we should go.”

 

“But Dirk, what about the case?” Todd asked, resisting Dirk’s pull.

 

“It doesn’t matter now. This is more important.” Dirk said, finally succeeding in pulling Todd after him and out the back door.

 

They stumbled out into an alleyway that ran behind the bar. Todd followed Dirk for a few steps and then gracelessly slumped against a wall, sliding to sit on the ground. At least he wasn’t sitting directly in a pile of garbage, Dirk noted, and sat down beside him. Todd’s crisis of conscience was more important than a clean pair of trousers.

 

“Todd,” Dirk said softly. Todd didn’t seem to hear him, or was trying to ignore him, so Dirk tugged at his sleeve until Todd glanced over. “You’re not a shitty person. You’ve made some bad decisions, but everyone has. That doesn’t mean _you’re_ bad. And it’s -” Dirk stopped for a moment, trying to speak around the growing lump in his throat and desperately trying not to cry. He promised himself he would do less crying, especially in front on Todd. “- it’s awful, just awful, to hear you say those things about yourself. To know that you think that way. Because you’re good, Todd. You’re _so_ good. And I-” Dirk stopped that sentence where it was and changed tracks. “- you’re my best friend.”

 

“I shouldn’t be.” Todd said viciously, his mouth drawing back in a sneer.

 

Dirk felt the bottom drop out of his stomach. “P-pardon?”

 

“I shouldn’t be your best friend.” Todd continued, loathing in his eyes. “You’re always talking about how you’ve never had a friend before. You deserved someone better for your first friend. Someone...less me.”

 

Oh, he had said that because of Todd’s continued self-loathing and angst, not because Todd wanted Dirk out of his life. Thank goodness.

 

And Dirk had the perfect rebuttal for this one. “Well, I wouldn’t choose any differently. And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter, don’t you see Todd?” From the confused look on Todd’s miserable face, it was clear he didn’t. Dirk sighed in frustration. “Don’t you remember when we first met?”

 

“When you broke into my apartment after future-you told you to?” Todd asked skeptically.

 

“Well, alright, you have a point. But what I meant was... Todd, if we weren’t meant to be friends, we never would have met.”

 

“How do you figure?” Todd asked, his brow crinkled in that way Dirk found so endearing.

 

“The universe wouldn’t have allowed it. If we weren’t meant to meet, it wouldn’t have mattered what future-me told me, I never would have been able to find you. Or I wouldn’t have been able to talk to you or...something! Or for that matter, future-you probably wouldn’t have even been there with future-me, so past-me wouldn’t have know to even look for past-you.” Todd was looking even more confused, so Dirk decided to simplify it. “The point of the matter is, the universe wanted us to meet. I may have stacked the deck a little, but even if I hadn’t, we were always going to meet. Always.”

 

Dirk tugged on Todd’s sleeve again. “We were always meant to be friends, Todd. And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t you get it? You were the first good thing the universe ever gave me. After years of cases, and the CIA, and people leaving, and then the universe said ‘here, I think you’ve had enough, why don’t you have Todd Brotzman.’ And you know what?”

 

Todd was staring at him, seeming to hang on every word. “What?”

 

Dirk smiled. “It was so worth it.”

 

They just sat there for a few long moments before Todd finally nodded. Dirk didn’t know if he fully believed him, but Todd seemed to be in less of a crisis. Mostly, he just looked tired.

 

“Okay,” Todd said, seemingly to himself. “Okay.” Then he slumped slowly into Dirk, and gently laid his head on Dirk’s shoulder.

 

“You’re my best friend too.” Todd said softly, nuzzling his face in Dirk’s jacket.

 

Dirk laughed, uncaring that a few tears spilled out. Todd couldn’t see from this angle and it wasn’t so bad to cry when they were happy tears.

 

Todd seemed to be comfortable where he was, so Dirk slipped his arm around his shoulder, pulling him close. Todd murmured indistinctly and resettled, his hand coming up to curl in Dirk’s jacket.

 

Dirk was more than content to sit there and soak it all in: the wet pavement soaking into his trousers, the rank scent of garbage permeating the alleyway, and the heat of Todd’s body pressed against his side. It was a good moment; Dirk knew that he would cherish it. And whatever had brought on Todd’s emotional crisis, Dirk knew they would work it out. Because they were friends, best friends. The universe said so, and who was Dirk not to listen?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg
> 
> this took me a lot longer than I thought it would! in my defense, this was actually written and then my life imploded, so....it's not my fault. i guess. 
> 
> anyway, this chapter is a lot sadder than the last one, so there's that. there's also some violence in it, but not even really approaching the level of the show. i also still have not seen the second season, so if there are any commonalities, that is completely accidental; this fic is very au by this point. 
> 
> sorry about the wait and hope you enjoy it! i hope to have the rest of it up soon!

 

3.

 

Of course, they didn’t end up talking about it.

 

Dirk didn’t know how long they sat in that alleyway, but it was long enough that they got home late. Todd was obviously exhausted so Dirk had put him to bed with as much tenderness as he could muster and spent the night on Todd’s sofa. Just in case Todd needed him sometime during the night. And because Todd had looked so miserable when he tried to leave.

 

But come morning, it was if nothing had happened. Dirk woke to Todd frying breakfast at the stove and refusing to meet his eyes. When Todd served the meal, he started to talk about the case. No mention was made of the night before. And Dirk didn’t want to push. As much as he believed that the universe wanted them to be together, as much as he could _feel_ it in his chest, he didn’t dare risk it. What if this was the time he got it wrong? What if what he was feeling wasn’t the universe at all but just his own desires, his own wishes? He couldn’t chance it.

 

Todd decided it would be best to head back to the bar. “We must have missed whatever we were there for.” he said, again avoiding Dirk’s eyes. Dirk could count on one hand the amount of times Todd had managed to make eye contact with him this morning.

 

Dirk’s stomach felt hollow, despite all the food he had just shovelled into it. He couldn’t figure out whether this feeling was because of whatever was going on with Todd or because the universe was trying to tell him something.

 

“Dirk?” Dirk jerked at the sound of Todd’s voice, glancing up from the pool of maple syrup he had been staring at on his plate. Todd met his eyes for a split second before glancing away.

 

“Yes?” Dirk asked, hoping that maybe he could recapture Todd’s attention.

 

“Do you want to go back to the bar? See what we missed?” Todd asked, possibly for the second time.

 

“Um, yes, that seems – yes, let’s do that.” Dirk stammered and rose to grab his jacket. He only barely hesitated before putting it on, remembering the feeling of Todd’s face pressed against his shoulder through the fabric.

 

When he glanced back over at Todd, he was already watching him. When he noticed Dirk looking at him Todd seemed to snap out of whatever spell he was under and reached for his own jacket.

 

“Do you think we should call Farah? Like, just in case something is going on at the bar?”

 

Dirk waved a hand. “I’m sure it’ll be fine, Todd. Besides, isn’t she probably with Amanda right now?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then let’s not bother her, shall we? I’m sure whatever we’re meant to find at the bar, it can’t be that dangerous.”

 

Really, Dirk should know better than to make claims like that. It was like the universe was listening and decided he was getting too overconfident and needed to be brought down a peg.

 

They left the Ridgely shortly after, Todd leading the way to his car. Dirk was just about to step into the passenger side (still so odd to get into that side of the car and not be driving) when he felt the pressure of a knife edge against his throat.

 

Well, bollocks.

 

“Don’t move.” said a voice close behind his ear. Todd froze halfway into the car, his eyes widening as he saw the knife. He very slowly got back out of the car, raising his hands into the air.

 

“Look, we don’t want any trouble. If you want the car, you can have it. Just don’t hurt him.” Todd said, inching to the left.

 

“I said, don’t move!” Todd froze again. “I don’t want your shitty car, man,” the voice continued, sounding very aggravated, which was not a quality Dirk tended to look for in people threatening him with physical harm, “I wanna know why you guys are following me!”

 

Todd frowned in bewilderment. Even now, Dirk found it endearing. Not even imminent peril could stop him from feeling inappropriate feelings about Todd. There really was no hope, he thought glumly.

 

“We don’t even know who you are. How could we have been following you?” Todd was saying.

 

Dirk gasped as the knife pressed harder against his throat, barely hearing Todd’s shout over the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

 

“What do you mean, you don’t know who I am?” the voice demanded, “you followed me all day yesterday! You even staked out my favourite bar!”

 

“Told you we weren’t driving randomly,” Dirk choked out before the knife dug into his throat again. He really hoped this wasn’t a particularly sharp knife or he might be in trouble here.

 

“See?” The voice was sounding wild now. “Don’t bother denying it, I know you’ve been following me! Why?!”

 

“We don’t know!” Todd shouted, backing away slightly from the car.

 

The knife finally eased against Dirk’s throat, enough so he felt that he could breathe properly again. “What do you mean, you don’t know? Do you just follow random people around? That-that doesn’t make any sense, you were already at the bar when I got there, there’s no way – “

 

“Look,” Todd interrupted, “I know it doesn’t make any sense, I get that. But you gotta believe me, we have no idea who you are. We were just following the universe.”

 

“The uni – what are you guys, stalker hippies?” The knife dropped even further away from Dirk’s throat.

 

Todd lowered his hands slightly. “No, we’re not hippies. We’re – “

 

“We’re detectives! We solve mysteries!” Dirk interjected.

 

“Dirk!” Todd snapped.

 

“What?” Dirk asked. “This is obviously a clue Todd, you’re taking far too long with this whole thing.”

 

“Dirk.” Todd snapped again, sounding very unamused.

 

“Hey!” the voice shouted, “you guys better tell what the hell is going on or I’ll – “ and oh, the knife was even lower that it was before. Which is apparently what Todd had been waiting for.

 

Todd surged forward, actually _vaulting_ over the bonnet of the car. He tackled Dirk and his attacker, wrestling for the knife. Dirk lost track of what was happening in a mess of struggling limbs and cut off cries as the three of them hit the ground.

 

Then one body was gone, replaced by the sound of retreating footsteps. Dirk looked up just in time to see their mystery assailant disappear around a corner, coat trailing behind them.

 

“Well, that was an interesting and terrifying way to start the morning.” Dirk said, turning to face Todd.

 

Who was lying on his back on the ground, clutching his stomach.

 

For one world-stopping second, Dirk couldn’t move. He was frozen in place, his entire being focussed on the stain he could see soaking through Todd’s shirt, coloring his hands red. It was a Mexican Funeral shirt. Todd only had a precious few left, after losing the one Dirk was wearing when the CIA abducted him He shouldn’t get stabbed in it.

 

Todd had been _stabbed_.

 

And just like that, the world came back into horrible focus.

 

Dirk scrabbled over the ground to Todd’s side. Todd was pressing both hands against the – the _stab wound_ in his gut and his face was contorted into pained confusion, as if he couldn’t understand why he was hurting.

 

“Todd, Todd, oh my god, Todd,” Dirk babbled as he crouched over Todd, hands flailing. He didn’t know what to do, should he be applying pressure? How much pressure? What if that hurt Todd more?

 

“Dirk,” Todd breathed, his eyes locking with Dirk’s. His eyes were wide and frightened, more frightened than Dirk had ever seen him look.

 

“Yes, Todd, it’s going to be alright, just keep doing what you’re doing and I’ll call the ambulance. Don’t worry, you’ll be alright.” Dirk stammered while digging for his mobile.

 

He barely knew what he said to the dispatcher beyond “my friend’s been stabbed, please come immediately,” but it must have been enough because he soon heard the faint sound of sirens in the distance.

 

“See? They’re on their way. You’ll be all patched up in no time.” Dirk said, desperately trying to keep Todd awake. He heard it was bad for people who were injured to pass out and Todd looked very pale and woozy. He didn’t respond to Dirk, just kept staring up into the sky and panting.

 

“Todd,” Dirk said again, patting Todd’s cheek gently. Todd’s eyes snapped from the sky to lock onto Dirk’s. “You’ll be alright. The ambulance is almost here.”

 

Todd swallowed heavily. “Dirk,” he breathed again. “Dirk, don’t leave. Don’t. Please.”

 

“I won’t. I won’t leave you. I promise.” Dirk swore fervently. It was easy vow to make, really; he had already made a similar one silently to himself.

 

But Todd still looked desperate. “Dirk,” he said again, fear creeping into his voice.

 

Dirk rested his hand on Todd’s cheek again and brought his other hand up to mirror the first as extra assurance. “I won’t leave you,” he whispered, leaning close to Todd. “Not ever. We belong together, remember?”

 

Todd nodded desperately, blinking rapidly. A few tears streaked down into his hairline.

 

They stayed like that, Dirk cradling Todd’s face and pressed so close they were practically breathing each other’s air, until the ambulance roared up beside them.

 

The trip to the hospital passed in a blur. Dirk answered the paramedics’ questions on auto pilot, barely registering anything outside of Todd’s pale face. Todd seemed to slip into unconscious on the way to the hospital, as if the only thing keeping him awake previously had been Dirk’s touch. Soon enough, they reached the hospital, screeching into Emergency. Todd was unloading efficiently and quickly and Dirk had to run to keep with the gurney.

 

Until he was stopped by a nurse, standing in his path.

 

“I’m sorry sir, but you can’t go past this point. You’ll have to wait out here until he’s out of surgery.” The nurse said.

 

“But,” Dirk said, watching helplessly as Todd was rolled away and out of sight. “I have to stay with him, I told him I would, I _swore_ I wouldn’t leave him –“

 

The nurse gently took his elbow and started guiding him down the hallway. “Sir, the doctors are going to do everything they can for your friend –“

 

“Todd,” Dirk interjected. “His name is Todd.”

 

The nurse nodded. “They’ll do everything they can for Todd. The best thing you can do right now is notify his family. Is there anyone you should call?”

 

Dirk nodded. “Uh, yes, he has a sister. Amanda.” Oh god, Amanda. How could Dirk possibly tell her about this? None of them had ever been operating under the idea that their agency business was the safest career path, but none of them had ever been _stabbed_ before either. And Todd had been hurt while trying to protect Dirk.

 

Todd would never have been in a position to be hurt if he wasn’t with Dirk.

 

The nurse nudged him and Dirk collapsed into the chair conveniently waiting behind him. “Alright, then you should call Todd’s sister, tell her what happened and that she should come to the hospital if she can. We’ll need to give someone updates about his status.”

 

“You can give me updates!” Dirk said, hoping he didn’t sound as desperate as he felt. The idea that he could be stuck out here, waiting, without any idea how Todd was doing, if he was alright, if he was –

 

“Usually we give updates to family or next of kin.” The nurse said, with the air of someone trying to let someone down gently.

 

“I’m next of kin!” Kind of.

 

“And your relationship to Todd is…?”

 

“I’m his partner.” Dirk said.

 

The nurse’s expression cleared. “Okay. Then I’ll let you know as soon as there’s an update on Todd’s condition. You just wait here and get ahold of his sister, okay?”

 

“A-alright.” To be honest, Dirk had been expecting more of a fight. Maybe America had different rules about next-of-kin. But it would still be a good idea to get Amanda here as soon as possible, both so they could have actual family here to speak to the doctors and so Amanda could just _be here_. Which required calling her.

 

Dirk dug his mobile out of his pocket and pulled up his contact list. Amada’s name was right at the top (although even if it wasn’t, her number wouldn’t be hard to find; his only contacts consisted of her, Farah, Todd, and the Thai place up the street that he and Todd liked.).

Dirk placed the call and waited through what seemed like endless ringing before it was cut off by the sound of drums and Amanda’s voice shouting “I hate voicemail!”. Then a long beep. Dirk took a moment to realize he should probably be speaking now.

 

“Oh, uh, Amanda, it’s Dirk. Dirk Gently. Um, please call me as soon as you get this, it’s rather urgent. I-I’m going to call Farah, in case she’s with you. Um.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he hung up.

 

He scrolled down to Farah’s number and pressed dial. The ling rang a few times and then there was a faint click and Farah’s voice saying, “Hello? Dirk?”

 

Dirk had to struggle not to burst into tears. God, but it was good to hear the voice of a friend. “Farah, hi, are you with Amanda right now?”

 

Farah sounded confused. “Yeah, she’s right here. Dirk, what’s wrong? You sound…kind of hysterical.”

 

 Dirk laughed, probably hysterically. “Well, that is usually how one sounds when their best friend is in the hospital, I gather.”

 

“Wait, _what_?” Farah’s voice seemed to jump up a couple of octaves. “Todd’s in the hospital? What happened?” Dirk could faintly hear Amanda start speaking in the background, her voice sharp.

 

“Well,” Dirk said, “we were on a case, you remember, with the disappearing tiger lily and the penguin? We drove around all day yesterday and apparently we were following someone although Todd and I didn’t realize it, and really this person was going to some truly bizarre places, like we went to the library and the pet food store and a museum entirely devoted to golf, can you imagine, a museum all about golf, I mean, what do you even put in there –“

 

“Dirk, Dirk!” Farah snapped, cutting Dirk’s increasingly panicked rambling off. “Where are you? What hospital?”

 

“Seattle General.”

 

“We’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Do not move until we get there.” Dirk could hear Farah gathering her things, Amanda still asking questions in the background. “You understand? Dirk, tell me you won’t go anywhere. Dirk.”

 

“Alright, yes, I-I won’t move. Until you get here. Which will be in fifteen minutes.”

 

“Good,” Farah said, “we’re leaving right now. We’ll see you soon. Just – sit tight Dirk, we’ll work this all out.” And she hung up.

 

Dirk sat there for another minute with the phone pressed to his ear, just listening to the dial tone. It was oddly comforting. Then he ended the call so he could look at the clock on his phone, marking every second until Farah and Amanda got there.

 

Sure enough, Dirk had just reached the fifteen-minute mark when he heard rapid footsteps coming toward him. He looked up to see Farah and Amanda coming toward him, both looking panicked.

 

Amanda reached him first, putting on a burst of speed to reach him. Her eyes were wide and full of fear and in a horrible way Dirk could see the family resemblance between her and Todd.

 

“Dirk, what the hell happened? Is Todd okay?” Amanda demanded. Dirk absently noted that her hands were shaking.

 

“I-I don’t know. They said he was in surgery.”

 

“Oh my god.” Amanda breathed, bringing her hands up to her face. “What happened to him?”

 

Dirk swallowed, trying to speak around the lump in his throat. “We were just getting in the car and someone came up with a knife and –“

 

“Oh my god,” Amanda said again, collapsing into the seat next to Dirk’s.

 

“Look, guys, just take a breath, okay?” Farah said. “I’m sure everything will be fine. Todd’s stubborn, right? He’ll make it through. But we need to not freak out in the meantime. Okay?”

 

Dirk and Amanda both nodded. As worried as he still was, Dirk felt vaguely better having the two of them there.

 

“Okay,” Farah said. “I’m going to go find a nurse, see if I can find out how Todd is doing. You guys just sit here until I get back.” Farah patted their shoulders a couple times and turned back down the hallway in search of a nurse.

 

Dirk and Amanda were left sitting in silence, only broken by the occasional passing staff members’ footsteps or murmured conversation.

 

Eventually Amanda broke the silence. “How could this happen?” she asked, her voice wondering. “I mean, I know how, it’s because Todd is a stupid bastard and he got himself fucking stabbed for Christ’s sake, but – Todd doesn’t do stuff like this, y’know? When shit gets real he usually looks the other way. He doesn’t get hurt fighting carjackers or whatever.”

 

“It’s my fault.” The words just slipped out, but Dirk knew in his core they were true. “It wasn’t a carjacker, it was something to do with the case. And Todd, he was trying to protect me. Like he always does.”

 

Amanda laughed bitterly. “Now that makes more sense. The amount of times Todd took on some guy three times his size because I said something he didn’t like…” She shook her head, disbelieving.

 

Cautiously, Dirk ventured, “You seem less angry with him.”

 

Amanda snorted. “I’m still pissed at him. I’ll probably be pissed at him for a long time, but that doesn’t mean I want him to die.” Amanda shot him a quick look, the fear on her face a reflection of Dirk’s own. “Not that he’s going to die. That just – that won’t happen.”

 

Dirk nodded, not trusting himself to speak without his voice shaking uncontrollably.

 

“And, hey; it’s not your fault, Dirk. You didn’t make this guy attack you guys. And you didn’t make Todd jump in, either. He makes his own decisions. Maybe not the best decisions, but he still makes them.”

 

Dirk nodded again, fixing his eyes on the ground, the tiled floor blurring in front of his eyes.

 

 “Hey,” he heard Farah say, and looked up to see her coming back towards them. “I talked to a nurse but they didn’t really have any answers yet. Just told me that Todd’s in surgery and they’ll come get us when something changes.” She started to pace in front of them. “God, I should’ve been there. What was I thinking, letting you guys go around on your own, I’m the one who’s trained for this kind of stuff, not you, should’ve expected something like this to happen sooner or later, should’ve –“

 

“Farah,” Amanda cut her off. “No freaking out, remember? And it’s not your fault either. Just – c’mon, sit down.”

 

Farah sighed and sat in the seat beside Amanda. Dirk refocussed his gaze on the floor and settled in to wait. He wasn’t going to move until they heard some news about Todd. He didn’t think his legs would support him anyway.

 

It seemed like eons passed, but when Dirk checked his phone it had only been a few hours. The monotony of staring at the floor was only broken by Farah getting up and fetching every coffee and tea. Eventually, Dirk decided to switch it up by staring at the wall instead of the floor. Which is how he noticed a nurse walking towards them, tablet in hand.

 

“Are you with Todd Brotzman?” the nurse asked, stopping a few feet away from them.

 

Dirk jumped to his feet, noticing Farah and Amanda doing the same out of the corner of his eye.

 

“Yes, yes, we are,” Dirk stuttered, “Is, uh, is -”

 

“Is Todd okay?” Amanda cut in.

 

The nurse smiled gently at them. “Todd made it through surgery without any problems. The doctors are very pleased with how it went.”

 

“Oh, thank god.” Amanda breathed. Only Farah’s hand gripping her elbow stopped her from slumping back into her chair.

 

“Can we see him?” Farah asked, still looking at Amanda.

 

“He’s in recovery right now, coming out from the anaesthetic. He’ll be moved to his room in a few hours and you can see him then.”

 

Dirk grinned, exchanging relieved looks with Farah and Amanda. Elation surged through him so strongly, he felt like he could fly through the ceiling and straight into the sky.

 

“I did need to speak to you about his recovery process.” The nurse said, consulting his tablet. “Obviously, he’ll be staying in the hospital for a little while during his initial recovery, but there are certain allowances you’ll have to make, considering his pre-existing condition.”

 

Dirk nodded along through his explanation, and then frowned when the words actually registered. “Pre-existing condition?”

 

“Yeah, what pre-existing condition?” Amanda asked.

 

The nurse looked surprised. “Pararibulitis. It’s a nerve-”

 

Amanda interrupted. “Yeah, I know what is is, I have it. But Todd doesn’t. How would that even get on his medical record?”

 

The nurse consulted his tablet again. “He was diagnosed with it this past September.”

 

The world stopped, for the second time in one day. September. So that would have been after the Patrick Spring case, after Dirk’s escapade with the CIA. After Todd had come clean about lying about having the disease and had his relationship with his sister and his parents blow up in his face. And then he had actually contracted the disease and decided to lie about that instead?

 

“Wait,” Amanda said, her voice wobbling, “I don’t get this. He _does_ have pararibulitis? For real this time? Because I swear to god if this is some kind of mistake -”

 

Dirk tuned out the nurse’s response as events in the last few months began to fall into place. All the times Todd had to excuse himself suddenly, running off to a private corner or the washroom; those must have been attacks. The way Todd would hesitate sometimes before speaking, or suddenly cancel plans, or get angry with Dirk if he went through Todd’s things looking for something he misplaced; that must have been Todd trying to hide his illness, by analyzing his words and hiding his fatigue from attacks and worrying about Dirk finding his medication.

 

It was also probably why Todd was so upset the night before. Hiding the disease was weighing on him and it had all come bubbling up while his inhibitions were lowered. And he hadn’t felt he could tell anyone about it. Not even Dirk.

 

Oh, Todd.

 

Dirk tuned back into the conversation around him with a heavy heart. Amanda had fallen back into her seat, her head in her hands. Farah was by her side with an arm wrapped around her shoulders and a horrified look on her face. The nurse mostly looked confused. He was probably wondering what kind of person would hide a debilitating and painful nerve disease from their friends and family. Well, Dirk was too.

 

Obviously deciding not to ask, the nurse forged ahead. “In light of his condition, the doctors are worried about his recovery. If he has an attack, it could aggravate his wound. While he’s in the hospital he’ll be monitored after he’s released it could be problem. We’d like if someone could stay with him while he’s recovering. If he does have an attack, you’ll be able to give him his meds quickly and check for any problems with the wound.”

 

“I can stay with him,” Dirk said immediately, almost before the nurse finished speaking. “We live in the same building so...besides, it would be the least I could do.”

 

The nurse nodded, a slightly relieved expression on his face. “Alright. We’re going to give you list of numbers you can call if you need help with anything, including a number for home care if you decide you need it.” He stepped back slightly, addressing all of them again. “For now, the best thing you can do is keep waiting. Todd will probably be out of recovery in the next couple of hours and then you’ll be able to see him. If you need anything, just come find me. My name is Angelo and I’ll be at the nurses’ station.” Angelo hesitated, as if waiting for questions. When none were forthcoming, he nodded and walked away.

 

Dirk legs gave out from under him; luckily he was still standing right in front of his chair, so it caught his fall before he hit the floor. Deciding Amanda seemed to have a good idea, he also put his head in his hands.

 

“This must be some kind of sick joke, right?” Amanda choked out. “This can’t actually be happening. He wouldn’t actually -” She cut herself off, breathing heavily. “I mean - _what the fuck_ , Todd?”

 

Dirk heartily agreed with that sentiment.

 

“How did we not notice?” Farah asked. “We’re around him all time and none of us - that just doesn’t - I mean, I’m trained to notice things and yeah, he’s been weird, I guess, but I thought that was just, y’know, _Todd_ , I didn’t -”

 

“He’s good at hiding things. He always has been.” Amanda said. She sounded exhausted. “That’s the one part of this I find believable.”

 

“But why didn’t he just tell us?” Farah asked. She didn’t seem to expect an answer, which was good because Dirk didn’t have one.

 

Why didn’t Todd tell them? Why had he decided it would be better to suffer in silence, to hide all traces of an incurable illness which caused him so much pain? It would have been an awkward conversation to have with Amanda, all things considered, but surely a little awkwardness would be worth being able to be honest with his friends, to have someone to lean on when the pararibulitis was particularly bad.

 

Dirk knew what it was like to be that alone; he couldn’t imagine anyone willingly choosing it, especially when surrounded by people who loved them.

 

And why hadn’t Dirk noticed, when he and Todd spent almost all their time together? He was meant to be a detective, for god’s sake. He should be able to tell when his best friend was hiding something from him.

 

Maybe Riggins was right after all; maybe Dirk just wasn’t that good of a detective.

 

Dirk could feel uncertainty and doubt settling in his stomach, tying his insides up in knots. Usually nowadays, when he felt like this, he would go talk to Todd until he felt better. It didn’t have to be about anything important; they would just talk and Dirk could feel the knots untying, soothed by the sound of Todd’s voice.

 

That wasn’t an option right now, though, not with Todd laid up and barely conscious after getting mortally wounded because he was trying to protect Dirk.

 

So Dirk just sat, listening to Amanda and Farah talk in soft tones next to him, and felt the knots inside him get tighter and tighter.

 

Eventually, Angelo came back towards them from the nurses’ station. Dirk may not have even noticed, too wrapped up in his own thoughts, except Angelo said the magic words:

 

“Todd’s awake. I can take you to see him now.”

 

The walk to Todd’s room was a blur, the seemingly endless hospital ward all looking the same and blending together. Dirk didn’t think he would remember the way afterward, but he suspected he wouldn’t need to. He could feel the universe tugging him on, like an overeager Labrador puppy. Apparently, the universe wanted Dirk to be in the same room as Todd as much as he did.

 

Angelo halted in front of a doorway that looked like all the rest of them. “He needs his rest so you won’t be able to visit for long. He’s also still pretty groggy so he might not be up for much of a conversation.”

 

Dirk nodded vigorously. It didn’t matter to him whether Todd said anything at all, although hearing his voice back to it’s normal register and not a wet choked whisper would certainly be nice. He just wanted to see Todd, to make sure with his own eyes that he was okay; that Dirk hadn’t cost his first friend his life.

 

Angelo smiled at them. “He’s just inside. I’ll be back in a bit to get you.” Angelo left again.

 

Dirk started for the door, but was stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He looked over and saw Farah staring at him grimly. She had a similar grip on Amanda, effectively preventing either of them from entering the room.

 

“Farah-“ Dirk started to protest.

 

“No, listen to me.” Farah said firmly, glancing between him and Amanda. “The nurse said he’s still pretty out of it. That means that now is not the time to interrogate him.”

 

“I wasn’t –“ Amanda started to say, before stopping with a huff when Farah raised her eyebrows.

 

“We can ask him later, maybe even tomorrow. But he just got out of surgery after suffering a traumatic injury. We can’t ask him now.”

 

Amanda hesitated for long moment, before finally nodding. “Okay, I won’t ask him now.”

 

“Okay,” Farah said, slowly releasing her hold on them.

 

 As soon as Farah let go of him, Dirk made a break for the doorway. It was only a few steps until he was there and then he was inside the room and –

 

And there was Todd, lying in a hospital bed and looking incredibly small. He had been blinking slowly up at the ceiling, every movement obviously an effort. He glanced over at the door when Dirk entered and the softest smile Dirk had ever seen spread across his face.

 

“Dirk,” Todd said. His voice was closer to a whisper than his usual tone, but hearing that voice saying his name after everything must have been one of the most beautiful things Dirk had ever heard. He could feel the knots untwining already. “You’re okay.”

 

Dirk nodded quickly, swallowing heavily to keep down any embarrassing involuntary sounds. “Of course, I am, silly.

 

If it was possible, Todd’s smile became even warmer. “I’m glad. I was worried that something might have happened.”

 

Dirk blinked rapidly to keep back any tears. Of course, Todd was worried about _Dirk_ , even when he was the one lying there with a literal hole in his body. “I’m fine. I promise.”

 

Todd huffed a gently laugh and winced, his hand twitching towards his belly. Dirk jerked towards him, as if he could stop the pain with his proximity. But before he could get very fair, Amanda pushed past him, rushing toward Todd.

“Oh my god, Todd.” She said, coming to an abrupt halt at his bedside. She hesitated for a moment before leaning over him and very gently pressing against him in a close facsimile of a hug.

 

“Dude, you can’t do this shit to me, okay? No more almost dying.” Her voice was muffled by Todd’s shoulder, but Dirk could still hear the tears in it.

 

Todd lifted a hand and rested it on Amanda’s shoulder. He looked painfully surprised.

 

“Amanda?” He asked quietly.

 

“Mhm?”

 

“You’re here?”

 

Amanda didn’t say anything for a second before giving a laugh. At least Dirk thought it was supposed to be a laugh; it didn’t much sound like one. “Yeah, stupid. Where else was I gonna be? You just got stabbed fighting off a crazy guy. You know how punk that is?”

 

Todd huffed a quiet laugh and dug the fingers of his hand into the fabric of Amanda’s shirt. “Yeah, I guess it is pretty punk.”

 

After a long moment, Amanda finally released him, backing away from the bed. She wiped her face swiftly and Dirk decided not to say anything about her red rimmed eyes; he had learned it was considered impolite and people really didn’t appreciate things like that being pointed out to them.

 

Farah stepped up to take Amanda’s place, mirroring her gesture by leaning over Todd and holding him.

 

“Next time, you call me.”

 

Todd smiled, rubbing his hand on her shoulder and closing his eyes. “To be fair to us, we were just getting in the car. It’s not like we were out looking for trouble.”

 

Farah stood back up, smiling fondly down at Todd. “Can’t leave you two alone for a second, can I?”

 

Todd smiled back. “Guess not.”

 

Farah shook her head, still smiling, and backed away from the bed to join Amanda. She shot Dirk a look when she walked by him, and jerked her head toward to Todd. He twitched and looked toward Todd, who was already looking at him, that soft smile still lighting his features.

 

The smile faltered when Dirk just stood there, staring. Then it took on a sad, resigned cast, as if Todd wasn’t surprised but he was still disappointed.

 

And Dirk couldn’t bear it, that sad, accepting expression, especially not because of Dirk.

 

He stepped up beside the bed, not sure how to do this without hurting Todd. Amanda and Farah made it look so graceful and fluid, and no one had ever accused Dirk of being either of those things. Nervously, he leaned over Todd and placed his arms so he was cupping the tops of Todd’s shoulders, barely letting his torso touch Todd at all.

 

For a split second it was awkward, Dirk hyper aware of his body and the places it was touching Todd. How much pressure was he using, was it too much, was he hurting Todd just by touching him, how did people do this without failing miserably and making it a horrible experience for everyone involved?

 

Then he remembered the night before, the ease with which Todd had pressed against his side. He remembered Todd resting his head on his shoulder and sinking into his side, as if certain that he was safe beside Dirk. How the world around them had seemed to narrow until all Dirk could feel and see and smell was Todd, curved into his body like he belonged there.

 

Dirk could feel himself relax, his hands curving around Todd’s shoulders to bring him closer. He buried his face in Todd’s shoulder and just – rested there, breathing him in. He could feel the last knots in his gut unravel.

 

Todd’s hand came up to rest on his shoulder. He rubbed there for a second before sweeping up to gingerly stroke the short hairs on Dirk’s neck. When Dirk didn’t protest, his hand moved further into Dirk’s hair until it was stroking gently, fingers carding through the strands.

 

“I’m fine. I promise.” Todd whispered his own words back to him, his breath brushing against Dirk’s ear. Dirk nodded into Todd’s shoulder, unable to speak.

 

Dirk wanted nothing more to stay there pressed against Todd until they had to leave. But it didn’t take long before it became uncomfortable to be hunched over, his back protesting the odd position. And really, it wasn’t fair to Farah and Amanda to monopolize Todd for their entire visit.

 

Dirk sat up slowly, his back twinging sharply as he did. Todd looked tired, but happy, as if he wasn’t bedridden in a hospital after receiving a potentially life-threatening injury. The soft smile was back, warming his features.

 

Farah and Amanda came back over to the bed to stand beside Dirk. They talked to Todd softly, but Dirk wasn’t really listening. He was just looking at Todd, drinking him in.

 

It seemed like only moments had passed before Angelo appeared back in the doorway and told them it was time to let Todd get some rest.

 

Farah nodded, turning back to Todd. “We’ll be back tomorrow,” she said, gripping his hand for a moment.

“Yeah, so you better not do anything stupid until then.” Amanda added.

 

Todd snorted, and then hissed as it aggravated his injury. “I’ll do my best.” He said dryly. Then he looked at Dirk, a hesitantly expectant look on his face.

 

Dirk opened his mouth to say something, but had no words. In the end, he just nodded to Todd, hoping it would somehow convey the emotion he was feeling. Judging by how the light in Todd’s eyes dimmed slightly, it hadn’t.

 

The three of them turned and left the room. Dirk trailed behind Farah and Amanda quietly, barely hearing their conversation over the ugly realization he was desperately trying not to acknowledge.

 

“Dirk?” he was brought back to reality by Farah’s voice. He looked up from the floor to see her looking at him quizzically. “We were gonna head home and get some sleep so we can come back early tomorrow. Do you wanna stay with us tonight?”

 

Dirk shook his head. “No, I’m – thank you, but I’ll be fine at home.”

 

Farah frowned, obviously not convinced. “Alright. We’ll take you home, then, and we’ll pick you up in the morning.”

 

“Alright.” Dirk said, forcing a smile. Judging by the look on Farah’s face, it probably looked more like a grimace.

 

Dirk quietly followed them to the car, and sat silently through the drive, looking at the streetlights as they passed by. Finally, in the darkness of the car, he let himself confront the knowledge that had been hunched in the back of his mind.

 

Dirk had known for a long time that the universe controlled his fate. Yes, he could make his own decisions, choose his own moves, but ultimately the universe took him where it wanted him to go. Often, the places it took him were dangerous and violent and unpleasant. And Dirk had always been alone, through all of it, until he met Todd.

 

When he first met Todd, he had only thought about how good it was to no longer be alone. He hadn’t thought about how it would be for Todd.

 

Because none of the rest of it had changed. The universe still led him around by the nose, forcing him into dangerous and desperate circumstances. But now Dirk wasn’t alone. Todd was there with him, facing the same dangers. And Dirk realized he had been so incredibly selfish.

 

He had only thought about how nice it was to share the danger with a friend. To not be alone when the universe decided to really put him through the wringer. He hadn’t thought about how Todd, simply by being near Dirk, faced the same danger. And while Dirk had no choice about it, Todd did.

 

Todd almost died today. And he wouldn’t have even been in danger, if Dirk hadn’t been there. If Dirk hadn’t lied and manipulated his way into being Todd’s friend. If Dirk had simply followed the universe’s will and had Todd help on the Patrick Spring case and moved on, like he always did. Let Todd return to his normal life, instead of insinuating himself into Todd’s life and changing it completely.

 

Yes, the universe had control of his ultimate fate. But Dirk still chose his own moves. And when it came to Todd Brotzman, he had chosen the wrong one.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so due to who i am as a human being, this took about a billion years longer than i thought it would to put online. also it needed so much more work than i thought it did lol. but it's hear now! considering how all of my promises re:posting have turned out so far, i will just saw that the last part will be uploaded at some point. for now, enjoy!
> 
> p.s. i still haven't seen the second season yet (I KNOW i'm a fake fan) so if this fic has a wildly different interpretation of pararibulitis than s2, that is why!

 

4. 

 

“I bet you’re ready to go home, huh?” The nurse said, smiling at Todd. 

 

Todd nodded, badly hiding the relief on his face. “Yeah, it’ll be nice to be back in my own space. Well,” he paused, glancing over at Dirk, “in a familiar space.”

 

Dirk met Todd’s gaze for a half second before fixing his eyes back on the floor. They really kept the floors quite clean in hospitals. Dirk had been spending a lot of time staring at the floor in Todd’s room over the past week and he had never found a single dust bunny or speck of dirt.

 

But today was the day Todd got released from the hospital, which meant no more staring at floors in here. Instead he’d probably end up staring at the floor and the walls in his own flat, as that was where he and Todd would be staying for the near future.

 

When Dirk had volunteered to take care of Todd post-release, he hadn’t really taken time to consider what would be required of him. He still didn’t regret volunteering, but his worries about it had increased exponentially over time. He had also half-expected Amanda to demand that Todd come stay with her while he was recovering, and bollocks to what Todd wanted. But that apparently was not to be as she had yet to protest the current arrangement.

 

Dirk didn’t know when Amanda and Todd had talked about his having pararibulitis. It must have happened in one of the very few times Dirk had been absent from Todd’s room. But whenever they talked, and whatever was said, there seemed to be new, albeit fragile, sense of peace between the siblings, one that hadn’t even been there when Dirk first met them. He figured that was what happened when people were finally entirely honest with one another.

 

He had tried, unsuccessfully, not to feel jealous. Amanda was Todd’s sister, his family, and she deserved more than anyone to talk to Todd about their shared disease. It was totally fine that Todd didn’t want to talk to Dirk about it. It was even fine that Todd didn’t seem to want to talk to Dirk about _anything_ : not the disease, not his attacks, not his getting hurt. Every conversation they’d had since Todd woke up was about inconsequential things. And that was when they talked at all. Mostly, Dirk had just sat next to Todd’s bedside and stared at the floor, feeling Todd’s stare burning into him.

 

The continued awkwardness between them was only one of Dirk’s myriad worries. He wasn’t sure how they were going to co-exist in one single space for so long and he wasn’t looking forward to finding out.

 

Which brought him to one of his other worries. The doctors had decided that because Todd lived on the second floor in a building with no lift that he would have to stay in the hospital longer until he was capable of climbing stairs. Dirk hadn’t been able to bear the crestfallen look on Todd’s face when he heard the news, and he had volunteered to have Todd stay with him before the idea had consciously registered.

 

So now they were going to be staying in the same one bedroom flat while Todd recovered, the air thick with tension and any words stifling in Dirk’s lungs unspoken. Wonderful.

 

But Dirk’s biggest worry had sprung up three days ago when Amanda had given him what she called ‘the lowdown’ on pararibulitis.

 

“I told him that he could stay with me, or I’d stay with him, but he said no. I guess he doesn’t want me to see him have an attack, which, I mean, it’s not like I’m not used to it.” Amanda had sighed, before waving her hands like she was shaking off her line of thought. “Anyway, so I guess I can kind of tell you how it works?”

 

Dirk had nodded.

 

“Well, um, after an attack’s started, there’s not really much you can do other then give him his meds. They usually kick in pretty quick, so just make sure you have some close by and you should be fine.”

 

“Is there a way you can stop attacks from happening?” Dirk had asked.

 

Amanda had shrugged. “Not really. I mean, no one really knows what causes the attacks. For me, sometimes it’s random but sometimes it’s because of a change in sensation, y’know?”

 

Dirk shook his head and Amanda sighed again.

 

“You remember when we first met and I had that attack while drumming? If I hadn’t been holding that drumstick, I might not have had that attack. Or the next day, I went outside and the wind blowing on me made me have an attack. It’s not always like that, but sometimes it is.”

 

Amanda had chuckled, a wry expression settling on her face. “I remember actually, a little bit after I first got it, Todd came to see me. He gave me a big hug and - I hadn’t had an attack all day. But as soon as he hugged me, I felt like I was being crushed. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move. Todd felt awful about it; I don’t think he tried to touch me for about a month after that.”

 

Dirk wondered if how he felt in that moment was anything like Amanda had felt back then, as if all the air had been sucked out of the hallway and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get a breath.

 

“Wait,” he had said, voice rough, “so you’re saying that a touch can cause it?”

 

“Sometimes,” Amanda had frowned. “Why?”

 

Dirk had forced a smile. “No reason.”

 

Amanda had nodded, clearly unconvinced. She had continued to talk after that, giving Dirk some more tips but Dirk had found it hard to concentrate, no matter how hard he tried.

 

His mind was stuck back in that night in the bar. He remembered how he had come back to the table to find Todd sprawled across it. He remembered how he had taken the opportunity to touch Todd more than he usually would, justifying it by telling himself that he was comforting Todd. He remembered how Todd had jumped up like he’d been shocked and run to bathroom. He remembered how Todd had looked after, pale and exhausted.

 

He had had an attack. An attack because of Dirk, because Dirk touched him. Because Dirk had wanted to indulge himself, to explore this whole touching thing. And instead he had hurt Todd. Unknowingly, yes, but that didn’t justify it.

 

He hadn’t dared touch Todd since.

 

Todd, who was now sitting on the edge of his hospital bed, dressed in soft clothes Amanda had brought from his flat, seemingly eager to be released into Dirk’s care. Dirk unwillingly noticed that the blue button up he was wearing brought out his eyes. Dirk mentally shook himself and refocused on the floor.

 

“So,” the nurse glanced down at her tablet. “While you’re recovering we have a few guidelines to follow. While it’s good to relax and give your wound some time to heal, we do want you to walk around a little to keep the blood flowing. A couple short walks a day should be okay, but make sure you don’t overexert yourself. Don’t try to do more than you feel you can handle. And, while it might be tempting, especially considering you’re staying at your partner’s place, no strenuous physical exertion until the doctor gives you the go-ahead, okay?” The nurse smiled mischievously, as if she was sharing a joke with them. If she was, Dirk didn’t get it.

 

He didn’t think Todd got it either, considering he looked confused too. But then the confusion cleared and his eyes widened, a fiery blush spreading across his face.

 

“I, uh, I don’t think that’ll be a problem.” Todd muttered, throwing Dirk a glance before staring at the wall as if fascinated. Dirk would be impressed if he was, there wasn’t a really a lot going on with those. Dirk would know; when he wasn’t studying the floor, he was looking at the walls.

 

“In that case, you’re all set. We’ll see you back in a week for your follow-up appointment.”

 

Todd smiled at the nurse, a hint of red lingering in his cheeks. “Awesome. Thanks.”

 

The smile stayed fixed on Todd’s face until the nurse left the room. Then he whirled on Dirk.

 

“What the hell did you tell her?”

 

Dirk startled. This was the first time in days that Todd had spoken to him in such a direct way. “Tell who?”

 

“The nurse!”

 

“What did I tell her?” Dirk was very confused.

 

“Yes!” Todd said, a familiar tone of exasperation in his voice.

 

“About what?”

 

Todd rolled his eyes. Dirk felt a pang stab through him at the gesture. “About us.”

 

“I didn’t tell her anything. I mean, I did. I told her my name, and my contact information, and-“

 

“No, I mean,” Todd sighed. “Did you tell her we were, y’know…” he trailed off, staring at Dirk as if willing him to understand what he wasn’t saying. Dirk stared back at him. He still wasn’t psychic last time he checked.

 

Todd sighed again, very dramatically Dirk might add. “That we were together.”

 

Dirk laughed, slightly unbelieving. “Well, obviously!” Todd boggled at him as he’d grown a second head. Dirk was fairly certain he didn’t have one of those either. “I told her were partners.”

 

Todd kept staring at him for a second before finally laughing, semi-hysterically. He immediately grabbed his stomach and groaned. Dirk jerked forward, wanting to help, before forcing himself back into his chair.

 

“Did I do something wrong?” Dirk asked, completely mystified by their entire conversation.

 

Todd was still laughing, clutching his stomach. “No, no, you’re good. It’s just -” he paused, studying Dirk, a smile lingering on his face. It turned soft, bittersweet, as if Todd was looking at something he wanted desperately but couldn’t have. “It’s nothing.”

 

Dirk bit his lip and nodded. He could feel his spine stiffen as the room fell silent again and he looked back down at the floor.

 

“Um,” Todd said, suddenly hesitant, “I guess we should head out.”

 

“Yes!” Dirk said, jumping to his feet and rushing over to the wheelchair they’d been provided with to get Todd out of the hospital. “Farah and Amanda are waiting with the car, so-” Dirk wheeled the chair over next to Todd and hesitated. Should he help Todd into the chair? Could he possibly do that without touching Todd? And what if he needed to touch Todd and Todd had an attack? Dirk placed his hand over the bottle of Todd’s medication he had tucked inside his pocket, just in case.

 

The entire dilemma ended up being for nought, as Todd stubbornly insisted on getting into the chair on his own. He was doing much better, Dirk knew, but getting up and sitting down were still painful affairs. He watched in strained silence as Todd gingerly moved from the bed to the chair, wincing as he sat. Todd just breathed for a long moment before nodding.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

Dirk nodded and pushed him through the doorway and into the hall.

 

It was a fairly simple process to get Todd into Farah’s car and back to the Ridgely. The hardest part was watching Todd wince every time they took a turn too fast or hit a rough patch of road. Apparently long car trips were out for the near future.

 

Soon enough, they arrived at the Ridgely, Farah pulling up right in front of the door. Todd looked despondently at the front steps to the building for a moment before sighing and opening his door.

 

Farah and Amanda walked on either side of Todd as he navigated the steps, Dirk following closely behind. His mind raced with visions of Todd losing his balance and falling, his wound reopening and his blood staining the pavement again. It seemed unbelievable that only a week ago they were leaving this same building on what seemed like a normal day. Dirk still couldn’t look anywhere near Todd’s car, even though the blood had long since been washed away.

 

Finally, they reached Dirk’s flat, Amanda guiding Todd to the couch by the arm. Todd was panting, his brow drawn with pain and one arm cradled around his stomach. But even so, he seemed happier, as if just being out of the hospital was enough to brighten his day.

 

Dirk scrambled to think if there was anything else that needed to be done. He and Amanda had already moved some of Todd’s things down from his flat and set them up in the bedroom. Dirk had changed the sheets and plumped the pillows in the bed, setting aside some blankets for himself so he wouldn’t be cold sleeping on the sofa. He thought he was about as prepared as he ever would be, though he certainly didn’t feel it.

 

Amanda crouched in front of Todd, resting her hands on his knees. “Are you sure about this?”

 

Todd rolled his eyes, looking much fonder than he usually looked when he did it at Dirk. “For the last time, I’m fine. Cross my heart.”

 

Amanda raised her hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. Sorry for being worried.” She stood and glanced over at Farah. “Well, if you guys are good, then me and Farah are going to head home and crash. We’re both pretty wiped.”

 

Todd nodded. “Okay. Get some rest.”

 

Amanda snorted, leaning down to hug Todd. Dirk tensed immediately and tried to force himself to relax, with limited results.

 

“You too, dumbass.” Amanda said, withdrawing from Todd. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

 

Todd widened his eyes in mock innocence. “I don’t think I’m physically capable of doing anything you wouldn’t do right now.”

 

Amanda laughed and pushed Todd’s shoulder, so gently he didn’t even move. “Asshole.”

 

Farah came up to them, holding her hands up between them. “Okay, okay, break it up you two.” Then she leaned down and hugged Todd, too. Dirk winced and looked away. Maybe he wouldn’t worry about it so much if he couldn’t actually _see_ it happening.

 

“You call me if you need anything.” He heard Farah say, presumably to Todd.

 

“I will.” Todd replied. “And thanks. Both of you.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” And Farah and Amanda were walking out the door, Amanda closing it behind her while flipping the bird.

 

Dirk looked at the closed door for a long moment before gathering himself and turning back to face Todd. Who was already looking at him, a smile slowly fading from his face.

 

They locked eyes for what felt like an eternity, Dirk unable to look away. He breathed a sigh of relief when Todd finally broke his gaze by blinking down at the sofa.

 

“I was thinking I might take a nap. I’m pretty tired.” Todd mumbled toward the sofa.

 

Dirk nodded so hard he felt like his head might fall off. Now he knew how those figurines on the dashboards of cars felt. “Of course, yes, understandably.”

 

“Do you have a blanket I could borrow?”

 

Dirk blinked. “A blanket -? Todd, you’re not sleeping on the sofa. No, no, no, you’re sleeping in the bedroom.”

 

Todd finally looked back up at him, surprise all over his face. “Dirk, I can’t kick you out of your own bed.”

 

“Yes, you are, I insist. C’mon, up you get.” Dirk walked to Todd’s side and flailed his hands for moment, unsure how he could help Todd up without touching him. Todd again solved his dilemma by getting up on his own unassisted, a frown of effort creasing his brow.

 

Dirk guided Todd to the bedroom, an arm out to catch Todd if he faltered (surely it would be worse to fall over than to have an attack. At least Dirk had the necessary medication to fix an attack). Dirk didn’t relax fully until Todd was settled on the bed.

 

“I’ll get you a glass of water, in case you get thirsty. And some snacks, in case you wake up and need a nibble.”

 

“Okay?” Todd said behind him, Dirk already on his way to the kitchen.

 

When Dirk came back, arms full of snacks (he hadn’t been able to decide what Todd would like), Todd was in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt. Dirk choked on his spit but somehow managed to stay vertical and breathing, which was truly an accomplishment. Todd gave him a weird look as Dirk started to put down the water and the snacks. There wasn’t quite enough room on the nightstand, so Dirk put some of the snacks on the ground beside it.

 

“There you are!” he said brightly, looking at Todd out of the corner of his eye because, yes, his shirt was all the way unbuttoned and Dirk didn’t trust himself to take that in head-on. It was one thing to be semi-naked with your semi-friend while fighting for your life in a kill-y death maze; it was quite another to be fully clothed with your semi-naked best friend who made your stomach feel all fluttery after they had got horribly injured saving your life. “Do you need anything else?”

 

“No, I think that’s good. Thanks, Dirk.” Todd sounded confused, but when Dirk chanced a glance at his face, he looked more lost than anything else. He also seemed sad, the kind of sadness that went bone-deep, the kind you couldn’t escape because it always came back, lurking inside you. The kind that you started to greet like an old friend after a time, because at least it was always with you.

 

Dirk wanted to take that sadness from Todd, to scrub it out of him like a particularly recalcitrant stain, but he didn’t know how. Instead, he just smiled at Todd, and started retreating from the room. “I’ll let you sleep then.”

 

Todd just nodded, his features painted with exhaustion. Dirk quietly closed the door behind him and leaned back against it with a heavy sigh.

 

This was going to be harder that he’d anticipated, and he’d anticipated it being quite hard.

 

Dirk, leaned against the door for a long moment, before gathering himself and returning to the kitchen. He was in the mood for a nice, long mope, and moping always went best with ice cream, in Dirk’s experience.

 

After a quick pitstop, Dirk settled on the sofa with his bowl of ice cream (cookie dough and birthday cake flavors, smothered in chocolate sauce and with a smattering of gummy bears on top), already feeling the mope coming on. He dug in, hoping the sweetness of the ice cream would soothe the ever-growing anxiety in his stomach.

 

It hadn’t even been one day, hadn’t even been a couple of hours, and Dirk was already certain he couldn’t do this. He didn’t know the first thing about taking care of another person; he could barely take care of himself on a good day, a fact Todd had made abundantly (and loudly) clear. Dirk had no experience with other people, he could hardly interact with another person without insulting or frustrating them. This was doubly true for Todd. It was usually fun, to push Todd’s limits and encourage him to push and exceed them, but Dirk didn’t think either of them would find it enjoyable when Todd was still healing. What Todd needed right now was soft, quiet spaces and rest and relaxation. Dirk had been accused of being many things, but ‘relaxing’ had never been one of them.

 

There was no universe in which Dirk could be what Todd needed.

 

Which brought him to the true crux of the matter, Dirk acknowledged, licking his spoon morosely. Not only was Dirk not what Todd needed, he was actively detrimental to Todd’s wellbeing, just by virtue of his physical presence. Amanda’s story about the attack Todd had caused had been ringing in his head ever since she had shared it, the certain knowledge of how much Dirk had hurt him a burden on his mind.

 

Todd had gotten hurt because of Dirk. Todd could have died because of Dirk. And it wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last.

 

Unless Dirk made a change. Unless Dirk put Todd’s needs before his own selfish desires and wants, packed up his bags, and left.

 

Dirk blinked rapidly, forcing more ice cream past the lump in his throat. He could barely consider that thought, here in the light of day. That thought belonged in dark rooms, only brought out to ponder in the deepest part of the night when Dirk was huddled in his empty bed, in his empty flat, and holding his loneliness close to his heart.

 

Todd wouldn’t understand. He was brave, and loyal, and kinder than he gave himself credit for. He would insist that Dirk stay, even as he bled out.

 

Dirk shook the memory away and set about scooping up the last remnants of his ice cream with more focus than the task deserved. This train of thought was going far beyond moping and into truly depressing, and he couldn’t handle that right now. Besides, Dirk couldn’t make a decision now. Regardless of whether he felt capable or not, Todd was here now, and everyone was relying on Dirk to care for him. Any personal crises would need to be put aside until later. Dirk nodded to himself, resolved to see Todd’s recovery through before he made a final decision.

 

Which is when Dirk heard Todd yelling.

 

Racing down the corridor, Dirk burst into the bedroom, barely noticing the door banging back into the wall. Todd was still on the bed, sitting up and staring at his shaking hands in horror.

 

“Todd!” Dirk shouted, running to the bed. He reached out for Todd’s hands without thinking about it.

 

Todd jerked away from him, letting out a hissed breath as the movement pulled on his injury. “No, don’t touch me,” he said, his voice wobbly and filled with pain.

 

“Right, s-sorry,” Dirk said, redirecting to dig in his pocket. He could have sworn Todd’s medication was in here, his pockets weren’t that large - there!

 

He ripped the bottle open, pouring a couple pills onto his palm. Todd had started to whimper quietly, biting on his lip viciously in an attempt to keep the noises in. He needed the medication now, but he couldn’t exactly take the pills himself if his hands were the epicentre of the attack so that meant -

 

“Todd,” Dirk said, lifting his hand holding the pills, “I need to-”

 

“Yeah, okay, just -” Todd said in a rush, a choked cry cutting of his words.

 

So Dirk grabbed him by the chin and put the pills in Todd’s mouth himself. Todd didn’t even wait for Dirk to grab the glass of water from the bedside table; he just swallowed the pills dry and leaned back against the pillows, his breath keening out of him in pants.

 

Dirk sat back too, folding his hands tightly in his lap so he wouldn’t be tempted to make things worse by touching Todd again. Amanda hadn’t mentioned the possibility of back to back attacks, but Dirk wasn’t about to press his luck.

 

Now that the crisis was (mostly) over, he noticed that Todd was shirtless, obviously having decided it would be easier to sleep without one than try to struggle into a shirt with an abdominal injury. Sweat had beaded across his skin from the stress of the attack, and he had a faint red flush across his upper chest. Dirk felt the fluttering sensation he always experienced in his gut when he noticed himself noticing Todd a little more than usual. Then he saw the bandage that was still taped over Todd’s wound and the fluttering feeling became a stone weighing him down.

 

“I’m sorry.” Dirk’s gaze was ripped away from Todd’s bandage to his face by the sound of his voice. He looked exhausted.

 

“For what? You can’t help having attacks.”

 

“I didn’t mean to -” Todd lifted his hands slightly with a tiny shrug. “My hands were -”  

 

Dirk nodded again. “I know. Like I said, you can’t help having attacks.”

 

Todd narrowed his eyes. “That’s not really what I meant.”

 

“In any case,” Dirk continued brightly, “you must be tired, so I’ll leave you to get some rest.” He started to get up, desperately longing for his sofa and a cup of tea.

 

“Dirk, wait a second.”

 

Dirk sat down back on the bed, closing his eyes for a moment and taking a deep breath. Then he looked back over at Todd with what he hoped was a convincingly sunny expression. “Yes, Todd?”

 

Unfortunately, it didn’t look like Todd was buying it. He stared at Dirk for a long moment, some strange mix of disbelief and worry on his face. Then he looked down into his lap, where his fingers were fiddling with the blanket.

 

“Look,” he said, so softly Dirk had to lean forward to hear him properly. “I’m sorry I lied about having pararibulitis.”

 

Dirk blinked. Whatever he was expecting Todd to say, it hadn’t been that.

 

Todd hadn’t seemed to notice Dirk’s confusion, too busy twisting his blanket in his lap.

 

“At first, I didn’t really mean to, y’know? It just kinda happened. There was just so much going on when I had my first attack, with you being kidnapped by Blackwing and Amanda in danger…I just didn’t mention it. But later…”

 

Todd swallowed and quickly glanced up at Dirk’s face before looking down at his lap again. His fingers continued to restlessly pick at the blanket.

 

“It was almost like instinct. To not say anything, to make excuses and hide things from my friends.” He smiled bitterly. “Who knows? Maybe I’ve been lying so long it’s become second nature.”

 

“Todd –“

 

“There were so many times when I wanted to tell you. Or tell Amanda or Farah. I’d look at you and I’d think – why not? Why not just come clean? It can’t possibly be worse than last time. But then I’d think about you.”

 

“About me?” Dirk asked, confused.

 

“Yeah.” Todd paused and let out a long shuddering sigh. “You always say everything’s connected, that everything happens for a reason. And through our cases and our lives now, I’ve seen that. The fundamental interconnectedness of the universe.” Todd smiled wistfully for a split second before his face fell into sad lines again. “And I thought, what if this happened for a reason? I mean, what are the chances that I’d get the disease I’d been lying about having right after coming clean about lying in the first place? It’s – astronomical. So, I thought there must be a reason I got pararibulitis at that exact moment in time. I thought that maybe, it was the universe’s idea of – of punishment. For lying. For – for hurting my family.” Todd said the last sentence in a hushed whisper, his hands now squeezing the blanket so hard his knuckles had bleached white.

 

“Todd, what are you talking about?” Dirk ached to reach out to him, to take his hands and ease his grip, to wrap them up in his own. But he didn’t dare, so he’d have to use his words instead.

 

“The universe isn’t that linear. I do believe that you got pararibulitis for a reason, but it’s not a punishment. That’s not how it works.”

 

Todd looked disbelieving, so Dirk forged ahead.

 

“I lied to you too, remember? When we first met? I hid things from you, things you deserved to know and that you were hurt by when you found out about it. And I could have told you, so many times, but I didn’t.”

 

Todd was already shaking his head before Dirk even finished speaking.

 

“It’s not the same thing, Dirk.” he said.

 

“Maybe not in content or detail, but functionally, it’s the same.” Dirk insisted. “And I didn’t get punished for it, so why would you?”

 

Todd stared at him. “You got shot. Twice. You almost died.”

 

Dirk pointed at Todd significantly. “But I didn’t.”

 

“So, you’re saying if the universe was actually punishing me, I’d be dead.” Todd said, narrowing his eyes.

 

Dirk also narrowed his eyes. “Am I?”

 

Todd waved his hands, as if dismissing the conversation. “Nevermind. I-I think we’re losing the point of what I’m saying.”

 

“Right. Go ahead.”

 

“Okay. So I was thinking that getting pararibulitis was a punishment for lying before, which I get you don’t agree with – “ Todd said hurriedly before Dirk could interrupt, “but I’m not convinced, but that’s neither here nor there. I guess I mostly thought about it that way because…”

 

“You thought you deserved it.” Dirk finished for him after Todd trailed off.

 

Todd looked at him, miserable. “Yeah.”

 

“So, hiding it from us, not letting us help, that was, what, atonement?”

 

Todd shrugged. “Kind of.”

 

“What – Todd. You must see that’s ridiculous.” Dirk said, utterly flabbergasted. “That’s not how this works.”

 

“How what works?” Todd asked, confused.

 

“This – thing!” Dirk gesticulated, unable to find a word to encapsulate his, Amanda, and Farah’s relationship with Todd. “Look, I’ve had admittedly limited experience with this whole – _people_ thing, but one thing I do know is that assigning yourself a punishment and a penance is not how things are done.”

 

“As far as I can tell,” Dirk continued, speaking more hesitantly now, “if you’ve wronged someone, you just apologize. And then, eventually, they often forgive you.”

 

Todd nodded slowly, looking at Dirk in that way he got sometimes, as if he’d never see him before, but in a good way.

 

“Which reminds me.” Dirk said, steeling himself internally, “I never truly apologized for not telling you about the time travel – thing. So…I’m sorry.” Dirk met Todd’s eyes and saw surprise flicker through them before fading into a warmer look.

 

“I forgive you,” Todd’s lips tilted up in a small smile. “I did a long time ago.”

 

Dirk sighed in relief, very quietly. Although he’d known logically that Todd must have forgiven him to come meet him outside the hospital after the Patrick Spring case was over, it was still a relief to hear him say it out loud.

 

The smile faded from Todd’s face. “Do you forgive me?”

 

“What, for hiding the pararibulitis?”

 

Todd shrugged, his eyes fixed on his lap. His fingers, which had relaxed on the blanket in the last few minutes, tightened their grip. “Is that why you’re mad at me?”

 

Dirk huffed in disbelief. “Mad at you? Todd, I’m not mad at you.”

 

Todd tore his eyes away from his lap, spearing Dirk with a look of pained confusion. “Dirk, you can’t even look at me most of the time! You won’t talk to me, you won’t come near me. I mean, I’m surprised you let me stay with you, considering how much you obviously don’t want to be around me right now.”

 

“Todd, I think you’re exaggerating.”

 

Todd rolled his eyes derisively. “Oh c’mon, Dirk. This is the first time we’ve actually had a conversation beyond ‘how are you’ and ‘I’m fine, how are you’ in days. Just admit you’re mad at me.”

 

“Todd, I’m not mad at you.” Dirk insisted.

 

“Yes, you are!”

 

“Am not!”

 

“Are too!”

 

“Am not!”

 

“Are too!”

 

“Am not!”

 

“Are too!”

 

“You almost died!” The words burst out of Dirk without consulting him. They landed with all the subtlety of a beached whale.

 

Despite that, despite the fact that Dirk felt like the words had ripped him open on their way out, Todd seemed to handle them with remarkable aplomb.

 

“I didn’t almost die, Dirk. You heard the doctors, it wasn’t as bad as it looked.”

 

“You were stabbed! You had to have surgery!”

 

“That’s what happens when you’re stabbed.” Todd said, as if having major surgery after being mortally wounded was a totally reasonable thing to expect to happen in one’s everyday life.

 

“Wait,” Todd continued before Dirk could speak, “is that why you’re angry at me? Because I got hurt?”

 

“I told you, I’m not angry at you.” Dirk said, sullenly.

 

“Then what?” Todd asked, exasperated. “Dirk, the guy had a knife on you! I wasn’t just gonna stand there and do nothing.”

 

“Well, maybe you should have. Maybe –“ Dirk cut himself off.

 

“Maybe what?” Todd demanded, his expression dark.

 

“Maybe you should never have been there in the first place.”

 

Todd’s expression darkened even further. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Dirk struggled for words for a long moment before speaking, desperately avoiding Todd’s gaze. “Todd, my-my life is dangerous. And I didn’t realize before, maybe because I didn’t I want to, but…the people around me are put in danger too. And you’re the first person who’s stayed, and you almost died because of it.” Dirk could barely get the last words out. He felt like he couldn’t get enough air and for a wild moment be thought he was having a pararibulitis attack.

 

“And what, that’s your fault?” Todd said, disbelieving. Dirk couldn’t say anything in reply.

 

“Dirk, we’ve been over this, I make my own decisions. You’re not responsible for what I do, I am.” Todd said, firmly. He sounded so sure, so confident, but he was _so wrong_.

 

“But I am responsible for this! You would never have been in danger if not for me!” Dirk exclaimed. He absently noted his own hands had started twisting in the end of the blanket covering Todd.

 

“Dirk, I’m not an idiot. I know being around you can be dangerous. I mean, for Christ’s sake, look what happened when I met you.” Todd replied, gesticulating in Dirk’s direction. “Someone literally died in my apartment after a bunch of weird guys broke in and wrecked everything.”

 

“So, you agree, then,” Dirk said woodenly, his stomach like a stone. He knew it was true, but it still hurt to hear Todd confirm it. “I’m too dangerous to be around.”

 

“Sometimes I swear, you just hear what you wanna hear.” Todd said, sounding tired and a bit angry. “I didn’t say you were too dangerous to be around. I said that you can get into dangerous situations.” Dirk felt a tug on the blanket he was clutching and looked up. Todd was holding the other end. As soon as Dirk looked up, he caught his gaze and didn’t let go.

 

“You remember what you said to me, the other day outside the bar?” Dirk nodded. And, oh, Todd smiled so softly and sweetly Dirk just wanted to melt into it. “It’s worth it for me too.”

 

“It is? Even after –“ Dirk gestured wordlessly to Todd’s bandage, not willing to give into the hope growing inside him.

 

Todd’s smile turned wry. “Yeah, even after that. So…are we good?”

 

Dirk nodded again, hesitantly. He couldn’t quite believe what Todd was saying. But Todd seemed to believe it, and that was good enough for him right now. “We’re good.”

 

“Good.” Todd leaned forward, and Dirk jerked away, keeping a safe amount of distance between them. Then he realized that Todd had not actually been reaching out to him but was actually getting off the bed.

 

Except he wasn’t anymore, sitting back down with a huff. “So, we’re not good,” he said, fixing Dirk with a hand look.

 

“Yes, well, no,” Dirk stammered, “Well, Amanda said –“

 

“What did she say?” Todd cut in, looking concerned, as he often did when his sister was mentioned.

 

“Nothing bad!” Dirk promised, hoping to dispel Todd’s concern. “She just mentioned that sometimes pararibulitis attacks can be caused by an introduction of physical stimuli.”

 

“Wait, she said I might have an attack if you touch me?” Todd asked, sounding very unsure.

 

“Well, you have already, haven’t you?” Dirk said. It came out a lot more accusatively than he had intended. “At least once. That night at the bar.”

 

Todd’s confused look melted into a cagey one Dirk remembered well from when they first met and barely knew one another.

 

“Don’t bother denying it, I already figured it out.”

 

The cagey looked faded from Todd’s face with a sigh. “Of course, you did. You are a detective after all.”

 

“Yes.” Dirk tried to fight off the feeling of pleasure he always got when someone acknowledged his detecting prowess. This was a serious conversation and he didn’t need to be distracted. “So, you agree that it’s best that we don’t touch physically.”

 

“Again, Dirk, not what I said.” Todd rolled his eyes and Dirk tried not to feel insulted. “I mean, what do you expect me to do, huh? Just stay in my apartment living in some kind of protective bubble and never let anyone near me? I mean, you’re the one who told Amanda that she should leave the house more.”

 

“Well, yes, but that’s before I fully understood the disease -”

 

“Y’know what? Fuck this. And fuck you.” Dirk drew back, surprised by the sudden anger in Todd’s voice. Todd was glaring at him, eyes flashing.

 

“Yes, I have a nerve disease. But that doesn’t mean my life is over. I’ll take my meds and if I have attacks, then that’s just how it is. But I’m not gonna shut myself away from the world just because it makes you uncomfortable. So, you can take this - this patronising bullshit of yours, and shove it up your ass.”

 

Dirk paused, unsure how to respond after Todd’s outburst. After a moment, he said, “Todd, I’m not trying to imply anything -”

 

“Well, you’re failing.”

 

Dirk didn’t say anything for a long moment, just absorbing what Todd was saying to him. Finally, he spoke, saying the only thing that felt right. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply that you’re incapable because of the disease. But I can see that I did and I’m sorry.”

 

“I forgive you.” Todd’s lips crooked into a wry half-smile. “See? We’re getting pretty good at this.”

 

Dirk laughed, although he could have sworn that half a second ago nothing about this whole situation warranted laughing.

 

“I’ll try to require less forgiveness in the future.” Dirk swallowed, any levity he was feeling fading. “I just worry.”

 

Fondness stole across Todd’s face. “I get that. You think I don’t worry about Amanda? God, after I caused that attack, I was terrified to go anywhere near her for months. But I finally realized that distance isn’t what she needed from me. And it’s -” Todd paused, looking down at the blanket before fixing his eyes back on Dirk. That familiar determined glint was back in his eyes, as if what he was saying required as much courage as facing down the Men of the Machine. “It’s not what I need from you.”

 

Dirk nodded, unable to say anything against the conviction in Todd’s voice or the intensity in his eyes.

 

“Okay?” Todd asked. “We’re okay now? You’re not gonna freak out anymore?”

 

“Well, I can’t promise not to freak out about anything ever, but I can promise I will try to freak out about this specific thing a little less than usual.”

 

Todd snorted. “Alright, that’s good enough, I guess. But you really don’t need to freak out about this, okay? Here, I’ll show you.” And Todd opened his arms.

 

Dirk stared at him, glancing in confusion between the small smile on Todd’s face and his open arms. “Sorry?”

 

“Dirk, c’mon.” Todd made a ‘come here’ wave with his hands, his arms remaining open. “You’re not gonna hurt me. Just - bring it in.”

 

Dirk gestured between the two of them. “You and me, you want to-”

 

“Yeah, c’mon. Don’t leave me hanging.”

 

“A-Alright.” Nervously, Dirk scooted across the bed until he was sitting right next to Todd, his legs under the blanket gently brushing Dirk’s hips. Then Dirk leaned forward into Todd’s arms and tentatively wrapped his arms around Todd, tense and ready to leap away at the first sign of an attack.

 

But nothing happened. No wincing, no flinching, no screaming. Just Todd’s body against his, his arms a warm, light weight on Dirk’s shoulders.

 

When he realized Todd wasn’t about to have an attack, all the tension fled his body. He sagged into Todd’s embrace, his arms tightening and bringing him closer. Todd’s skin was still warm from the blanket and Dirk’s hands opened unconsciously to press his palms against it, desperate to absorb as much of this contact as he could.  

 

“See?” Todd said. Dirk could practically feel Todd speaking through the palms on his back and resisted the urge to press closer to feel it with the rest of his body. “No problem at all.”

 

Todd patted Dirk’s shoulder lightly before his arms seemed to retreat slightly. Dirk reflexively tightened his grip. Todd’s arms paused and then wrapped back around him loosely.

 

“Dirk?”

 

“Just - I just need a minute.” Dirk said, turning his head to hide his face in Todd’s shoulder. With any luck, Todd would miss how choked his voice was.

 

“Okay.” Todd said, very quietly. His arms tightened around Dirk. He started moving his hands again, but this time he was stroking up and down Dirk’s back rather than patting him. Dirk thought this motion was infinitely better and decided to give it a try the next time he had an opportunity to try hugging.

 

For now, Dirk just let himself rest in Todd’s embrace, letting his warmth soothe the part of him that hadn’t relaxed in a week. Maybe Todd was right. Maybe all the danger and pain was worth it, as long as they had each other. Dirk wasn’t sure yet, but for Todd, he was willing to try.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW this is way later than I thought it would be. but at least i finished it? 
> 
> this is the longest thing i have ever finished and I'm incredibly happy that i did. i started and wrote the majority of this fic during the worst period of my life and it often served as a comfort when really really awful things were happening/about to happen. and now it's done and out in the world and i'm pretty pleased about that lol. 
> 
> so i hope you enjoy this! thanks for sticking with this to the end <3

“Really? But pizza has all of the food groups, depending what you put on it. It has grains, it has dairy, it has vegetables, and protein. What more could you want?” 

Todd frowned up at him. “How about not to die of a heart attack by the time I’m forty? Honestly, I think you should see a doctor.”

Dirk waved a hand dismissively. “Psh, I’m fine. You on the other hand -” Dirk continued as he plucked the apple out of Todd’s hand and put it back on the stand, “-are not supposed to be lifting anything heavy.” 

Todd snorted. “Dirk, I’m not supposed to lift anything over ten pounds. That -” he gestured at the fruit in question. “-is not even one pound.” 

“The doctors said -” 

“The doctors said I’ve been doing fine.” Todd cut him off. “It’s been what, three weeks, since I got hurt? You know I’ve been going to physio because you practically hold my hand all the way there and -” Todd raised his voice and continued when Dirk tried to protest, “- I also know you were eavesdropping and heard the doctor say I’m going to be cleared for normal activity next week.” 

“I was not eavesdropping.” Dirk said, trying to defend himself even while he couldn’t look Todd in the eye. “I just happened to be standing by the door. It’s not my fault your doctor talks very loudly.” 

Todd just stared at him, clearly not buying Dirk’s totally, one hundred percent believable story. “Yeah. Okay.” 

Dirk didn’t know how to respond to Todd’s blatant disbelief, so he just decided to ignore it entirely. “Let’s continue on, shall we? I need to know whether Phyllis finds out about Nick cheating on her tonight.” 

Todd rolled his eyes, but starting following Dirk down the sidewalk. “You really need to watch TV other than soaps, I think it’s starting to do something to your brain. But yeah, we should head home. I want to get my stuff back up to my apartment tonight.”

Dirk nodded, trying not to let the disappointment he was feeling show on his face. Really, Todd had been able to move back into his flat last week when the doctors said he could start handling long flights of stairs again. Todd had mentioned it a couple times but made no move to gather his things. Dirk had almost started to hope that Todd would just stay in his flat. He had had much more fun sharing space with Todd than he had initially expected; it was wonderful to be able to just walk down a corridor whenever he wanted to talk to Todd rather than all the way upstairs. And it was an unexpected pleasure to do all those domestic home-y things he had only read about in books with Todd, like wash the dishes, or cook (well, Todd cooked, Dirk was banned from cooking after the Linguini Incident), or do laundry, or watch telly. Dirk treasured those moments, even when Todd was driving him mad by leaving his clothes all over the place or they were fighting over what to watch because Dirk wanted to catch up on The Young and The Restless and Todd wanted to watch some dumb action movie with lots of explosions. 

But it wouldn’t be fair to Todd to insist that he stay. Todd deserved his own space, and it would be nice to sleep in his own bed again. Really, it was better if Todd moved back into his own place.

And if Dirk told himself that enough, he might actually believe it someday. 

Absorbed as he was in these cheerful thoughts, Dirk didn't notice that Todd had stopped walking until he grabbed Dirk’s arm and dragged him behind the fruit stand. 

“What - Todd!” 

“Shhh!” Todd shushed him, pointing out into the street they had just been standing on. 

Confused, Dirk ducked out from behind the stand to take a look, only to be dragged back immediately by Todd. He turned to Todd, annoyed. 

“Todd, how am I meant to look at something if you won't let me actually look?”

Todd glared at him. “With your eyes.”

Dirk resisted the urge to roll said eyes and peeked out from behind the stand. 

“There, are you happy now? I'm looking with my eyes and I don't see anyth- oh.”

Todd snorted. “Yeah, oh.” 

Dirk couldn't muster a response. He was frozen in place because there, out on the street in broad daylight, as if he hadn't done anything wrong, as if he hadn't almost brought Dirk’s entire world crashing down - 

It was the man who stabbed Todd, glancing at his phone as if he hadn't a care in the world. 

“We've got to follow him.” Todd said. 

Dirk ducked back behind the fruit stand, positively boggling at Todd. “Follow him? Are you insane?”

Todd frowned and slapped his arm. “Keep your voice down! Of course we have to follow him, he's connected to the case, isn't he?” 

Dirk was already shaking his head before Todd finished speaking. “We cannot follow him, it's far too dangerous.” 

“Yeah, and since when do we care about that?”

Todd had a point but Dirk was not about to lose this argument. He'd already seen Todd bleeding on the ground once because of this man, he wasn't going to risk it happening a second time. 

“Todd, listen to me. Under no circumstances can we follow this man.”

Todd shot him a curious glance, finally looking away from the man on the street who he had been staring at far too eagerly for Dirk’s comfort. “Is that what the universe is telling you?”

No, it wasn't. In fact, the universe was all but screaming that Dirk needed to follow Todd's attacker. It could hardly be more clear if a bus drove by with a billboard on the side that said ‘Hey Dirk, remember that guy who stabbed your best friend? You need to follow him. Right now.’

“Yes. The universe is definitely saying we need to avoid that man. In fact, it's saying we should go home right now and watch telly and maybe order a pizza, but the universe can be flexible on that part.” 

Todd's eyes immediately narrowed with suspicion. “Liar”. 

Dammit. Dirk knew he was over selling it. 

Todd looked back out onto the street and started to straighten up. “Dirk, c'mon, he's leaving. We gotta go now.”

“Wait, Todd.” Dirk snatched Todd's arm, barely thinking about the motion when usually he would analyze any decision to touch Todd for so long that he wouldn't end up touching him at all. “Shouldn't we at least call Farah?”

Todd shook his head, gaze still fixed on the street. “There's no time. By the time she got here, he'd be long gone. C'mon!” 

And he reached up and grabbed the hand Dirk still had on his arm, dragging him across the street to the next stand at the market. 

Dirk followed him meekly, his stomach a nauseous mix between knots of fear and the warmth he felt whenever Todd touched him.

They followed the man as cautiously as possible, Dirk trying to keep them both in the shadows. He didn't think he was very good at it but miraculously the man didn't seem to spot them. Finally, after what felt like years of running crouched over and peeking around corners, the man entered an abandoned office building. 

Todd watched while the door closed behind him and then turned to Dirk. “Let's go.”

Dirk baulked, pulling Todd back towards him. “We can't go in there! There could be more of them!”

“There probably are, Dirk. I doubt he's going to this place for fun.” Todd frowned at him and Dirk quailed under his eyes. “Why are you so freaked out about this? We're probably about to solve the case!” 

Dirk didn't know if he could explain it. “Todd, the case -” isn't as important as you. Doesn't matter as much as your life; in fact, the case can go sod itself if it would keep you safe. 

But Todd would never thank him for saying any of that and Dirk never could resist what the universe wanted. 

“Fine. Lets go get shot at, shall we?” Dirk conceded with bad grace. 

Todd grinned at him, his eyes lit with manic excitement just like they had been when they'd been trying to solve the Patrick Spring case right before it all went to hell. Dirk didn't trust that look; all it led to was time loops, and mortal peril, and death, and crying, and regretted words, and almost destroyed friendships. 

But Todd was already heading for the door. Ignoring the twisting in his gut, Dirk followed him. 

Todd opened the door in increments, obviously wary of producing any sounds that might give them away. He didn't really have to worry about that though, judging by the sound of shouting coming down the corridor. 

Dirk exchanged glances with Todd; Todd nodded with a mixture of determination and excitement. Dirk just grimaced nervously. 

They crept down the corridor, the shouting growing louder with every step they took. Finally, they reached a partially ajar door and peered inside. 

It was a large room, possibly a conference room back when the office building was actually in use. Three people, including the man they were following, were standing inside having an incredibly loud conversation. For all the volume of the conversation, Dirk wasn't actually able to grasp what they were talking about. He thought this had more to do with Todd and Dirk’s distraction thereof than with the intelligibility of the conversation; in order to stay hidden by the ajar door, Todd was staying mostly behind it, only leaning his head slightly forward to peer through. This meant Dirk was forced to press against him from behind, trying to use his superior height to lean over Todd to see inside. 

It wasn't exactly helping Dirk concentrate. 

A fact which was confirmed when Todd hissed his name for possibly the third time and nudged him in the ribs. 

Dirk forced himself to pay more attention to the room in front of him and noticed that the yelling had finished. The man who had stabbed Todd was walking over to a row of cages that lined the back wall. He bent down, opened one of the cages, reached inside, and pulled out - 

A tiny, absolutely adorable, golden retriever puppy. 

“What the hell?” Todd muttered under his breath. 

Before Dirk could answer - although his answer mostly would have consisted of ‘I have no idea’ - the person closest to the door started speaking. 

“So we're moving onto dogs now, Alvin? ”

“Well, I figured dogs are obedient, right? They're trainable, and no one will think it’s weird to see a dog walking down the street. It'll be perfect,” said Alvin - and what a stupid name for the person who could have destroyed Dirk's life - as he put the puppy down and reached into his pocket. “Better than penguins,” Alvin continued, glaring accusatively at the person who had spoken. He knelt down in front of the dog and dangled a medallion on a long chain in front of the puppy’s eyes. He started to swing it in a pendulum motion, murmuring rhythmically. The dog followed the motions, mesmerized. 

“Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.” Todd said, shaking his head in desperate denial. “They're-”

“Dog hypnotists!” Dirk exclaimed, grinning widely. 

It was possible that he said that a teensy bit too loud because everyone (including the hypnotized dog!) in the room looked toward the door. 

“Whoops.” Dirk said as Todd reared back into him. Dirk almost unbalanced and fell but Todd pulled him upright and started pushing him back toward the door to the building. 

“Go, go, go,” Todd urged. Dirk finally managed to get his feet moving as a voice shouted behind them. 

He and Todd had barely made it five steps before a furry shape blurred past them and stopped in front of them. It was the puppy from the room, now blocking their way and growling. 

Both Dirk and Todd stopped in their tracks. After a second, Todd inched to the side, trying to edge around the dog. The dog just growled louder, lips pulled back and snarling. 

Todd backed up hurriedly into Dirk, who threw his hands into the air to avoid grabbing him. 

Todd glanced around, searching for some avenue of escape. “Maybe I can-”

Dirk grabbed him, concern over riding his perennial awkwardness. “Don't hurt it!”

Todd glared at him and pulled his arm away in a huff before turning his attention back to the puppy. It was disturbingly cute, even when it was threatening their safety. “I'm not going to hurt it, I'm not a monster!” 

Dirk huffed and shook his head. “Well, I'm sure you wouldn't mean to but you can get very passionate about these things -”

Todd whirled on him, apparently so incensed with Dirk that he could ignore the threat of imminent mauling. Dirk tried to resist the fondness he felt at that and focus on their current circumstances. 

“Passionate about what things? Surviving?” Todd asked. The amount of sarcasm and disbelief he could put into his tone, accompanied by the volume he was speaking at, was very impressive. Truly, he had a gift. 

“Of course I'm passionate about surviving! You would be too if you had any common sense! But c'mon, man, it's a dog. Who hurts dogs?”

“Forgive me for being a smidgeon skeptical about your pro-dog stance. After all, the last time you met a dog, you dropped it off a bridge.” Dirk pointed out. 

Todd put his head in his hands. “For the last time, that was not my fault. There were extenuating circumstances.”

Dirk scoffed. “You dropped a dog off a bridge!”

Todd obviously decided that hiding his face wasn't getting his point across and decided to abandon it in favor of gesticulating wildly. “Technically, it wasn’t a dog, it was a person.”

“That doesn't make it better!”

“What the fuck are you guys talking about?” 

Dirk and Todd whirled. The people from inside the room were now standing behind them, looking very confused. Either they were very quiet or Dirk and Todd had been too wrapped up in their own conversation (possibly argument, Dirk was never sure where the line was drawn between those two activities) to notice their approach. Dirk ruefully wondered how long they had been standing there before saying something. 

Oh, and they all had guns. Which they were pointing and himself and Todd. Wonderful. 

Dirk flung his hands in the air in the universal sign for ‘I surrender’. Not taking his eyes off the really far too many guns held by very angry people, he muttered to Todd, “There, now we’re going to get shot. Are you happy now?”

Although he couldn't see it, Todd’s exasperated huff made it clear he was rolling his eyes. 

Alvin - and Dirk was never going to get over the fact that the man who had given him nightmares was named Alvin, what was he, a chipmunk? - was staring at the two of them, his jaw hanging open. “Oh my god, it’s those two freaks who were following me. How the hell did you find us? And don’t say the universe brought you here, or whatever bullshit you were saying last time.” 

“Fine, I won’t.” Dirk said, gulping as Alvin thrust his gun more forcefully at them. 

“How did you find us?” Alvin demanded angrily. 

“You just told me not to tell you!” Dirk protested, putting his hands a little higher into the air to emphasize how willing he was to comply. 

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Todd muttered before continuing at a normal volume, “We saw you at the farmer’s market and recognized you. It’s not like I’m gonna forget the face of the guy who stabbed me.”

The face of the guy standing next to Alvin creased in horror. He whirled on Alvin; as he did so, his gun drooped and Dirk let out a breath in relief. 

“You stabbed him? What the fuck, dude?” The guy demanded. 

“They were following me! What was I supposed to do?”

“Not stab them!” The second guy protested, still agitated. “We rob people, we don't stab people.”

“Yeah, man, that's pretty messed up, Al.” The final guy chipped in. 

Alvin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay, whatever. So I stabbed him - completely justifiably, I might add. That doesn't change the fact that he and his weirdo friend followed me, again, and now they know what we're doing and they're going to go to the cops. Aren’t you?” Alvin spat the last at Dirk and Todd, once more giving them his full attention. Dirk and Todd both vigorously shook their heads, speaking over each other. 

“I have absolutely no idea what is going on, I rarely do, and I’ve never even met a cop -”

“Listen man, we never know what the hell is going on, so if you just let us go -”

“Let you go?” Alvin repeated, staring hard at the two of them. “We can't let you go. It was too late for that as soon as you walked in here.”

“Alvin -” one of the other guys started to protest. 

“No, Gary! What did you expect was going to happen if anyone ever found out about this?” Alvin said, gesturing with one hand to the dog, who was still growling. He snapped his fingers and the dog immediately stopped growling, sitting down with tongue lolling out in a doggy grin. It looked the absolute picture of a puppy aiming for a belly rub. The image stuck in Dirk’s mind, tickling some memory at the back of his mind - 

And he felt the familiar feeling of lightning through his veins as all the pieces popped into place. 

“Ohhhhh.” he said, a drawn out, almost subvocal noise. If the dog had still been growling maybe no one would have noticed, but Dirk had never been that lucky. 

“What?” Alvin demanded. Dirk winced, glancing at Todd, whose expression was a mix between nerves and concern. 

“Solved it.” Dirk said, reluctantly. 

Todd’s expression immediately took a turn towards the irritated. “Now? Seriously?” 

“Well, I can’t exactly help the timing, Todd! It happens when it happens!” 

“No, I know that, but right now is pretty inconvenient -”

Dirk cut him off, more than a little irritated and worried himself. “I’m wildly aware Todd! No need to lecture me!” 

Now Todd’s expression was leaning more towards ‘hurt’ and ‘guilty’. It looked an awful lot like the face he made whenever his conversations with Amanda or his parents went into emotionally dangerous territory. Dirk felt his heart twinge. 

“No, I know that, Dirk. I didn’t mean -” but before he could finish, Alvin - that prick - reached out and grabbed the front of Dirk’s shirt, shaking him roughly. 

“What do you mean, ‘solved it’?” He growled out. Dirk looked at him - red-faced, teeth gritted, veins jumping in his neck - and got the distinct impression that this wasn’t the first time he had asked and that he was quickly losing patience. Not exactly a good quality in someone holding a gun on them. 

“I - uh - I solved the case. This whole thing.” Dirk clarified, gesturing between the three gunmen and the dog. 

Alvin’s eyes narrowed while his friends gaped. 

“What.” he said flatly. 

“Well, it’s obvious once you think about it,” Dirk said, feeling a little defensive. He glanced over at Todd again. Worry and anger showed on Todd’s face in equal measure, his eyes darting between the hand still gripping Dirk’s shirt and the gun in Alvin’s hand. His expression was eerily similar to how he had looked right before tackling Alvin three weeks ago. Dirk suppressed a shiver and prayed that Todd wouldn’t do anything stupid before turning his attention back to Alvin. 

“You are a failed hypnotist -” 

“Not failed,” Alvin cut it, “I just haven’t got my big break yet. Also, I prefer the title ‘mesmerist’ -”

“You,” Dirk talked over him, “are a failed hypnotist with money problems. You needed to make some quick cash to start paying back your debts. You decided to commit a series of robberies to get a head start on your savings. But you worried that if you committed the robberies yourself, you would be caught. So you decided to use a secret agent to commit them.” He gestured to the puppy, still sitting obediently on the floor. “The family dog.” 

“Your first experiment with animal hypnotism didn’t go well - penguins are harder to train and far more conspicuous in residential areas than dogs.” At this, Alvin threw a glare at Gary, who pouted. “But when you were planning the robbery of the Gregson household, you noticed they had recently adopted a new puppy. And you had an idea.” 

“A few days before each robbery you abducted the family dog, hypnotized it, and brought it back. Then you sat back while the dog followed your implanted command, robbed the household, and brought the stolen items to you. Then you wiped the command, allowed the dog to return home and made off with both the stolen possessions and the reward money for returning the dog you stole in the first place.” Dirk finished triumphantly. Despite the peril he and Todd were in, he couldn’t help but feel triumphant at solving the case. 

“Actually,” Dirk said, leaning over to speak to Todd. “This might be the most normal case we’ve ever been on.” 

“I hate to say this, but I think you’re right.” Todd replied. He looked very tired. 

“So now what?” One of the bad guys demanded, sounding panicked. “They know everything!” 

“They don’t have any proof.” 

“That doesn’t matter, man! They go to the cops and we’re fucked.” 

“Then we make sure they don’t go to the cops.” Alvin spoke up, his expression dark. “We kill them here and dump the bodies.” 

“I don’t know, man.” The nervous guy spoke again. “Stealing is one thing, but murder…”

“It’s the only way!” Alvin snapped. “No one knows they’re here. You want to go to prison?” The nervous guy mutely shook his head. “Then put your gun up.” 

And just like that, there were three guns trained on them. 

Dirk shot a worried look at Todd, but he wasn’t looking back. Todd’s eyes were fixed solely on the guns aimed at them. locked on the gunmen, unwavering and completely focused. He looked determined, almost calm, and Dirk knew that Todd was almost definitely going to do something incredibly stupid and most likely get himself seriously injured or killed. Dirk couldn’t let that happen again. 

"Wait!" Dirk shouted. The gunmen immediately all focused on him; in that moment, none of them were looking at Todd. He could use that, get Todd out of there somehow, maybe get the police, definitely get Farah, what the hell had they been thinking coming here without her - 

But Dirk hadn't been considering Todd in his thoughts, hadn't thought that in his hurry to provide a distraction in an effort to keep Todd safe, he would provide the perfect opportunity for Todd to act. And that in situations such as this, Todd's overwhelming impulse had become fight, not flight. 

In the moment that the gunmen looked away from Todd, he leapt forward, fist swinging. Dirk caught the glint of the brass knuckles Todd always carried right before Todd’s fist struck Alvin’s face. 

Alvin jerked back but managed to stay on his feet. He snarled and tried to bring his gun back up when Todd hit him again. Dirk, watching helplessly, caught motion out of the corner of his eye; Gary was bringing his gun up to point at Todd.

“No!” Dirk shouted, jumping forward without thinking. He pushed Gary’s gun away from Todd just as he fired, the crack of the gunshot and the resulting cry of pain making Dirk flinch. He whirled just in time to see the other gunman crumple to the floor in agony. Hopefully he wasn’t dead because Dirk had seen far too many people die recently, but a dark part of him was just glad that Todd hadn’t been injured. Again. Yet. As far as he knew. 

Before Dirk could actually see how Todd was doing, he was pushed from behind hard enough to make him stumble. He managed to catch his footing before he fell, turning to see an incredibly wild-eyed Gary aiming his gun at him. Dirk made an involuntary noise that could probably be most accurately described as a squeak and dropped to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut. As he did, two gunshots cracked out, followed by two shouts, and two heavy thumps.  
Dirk opened his eyes, desperately searching, his mind of jumble of oh god Todd please please Todd -

Todd was standing behind him, staring at Dirk wide-eyed. There was blood on his face, both from the sluggishly bleeding cut above his eyebrow and the splatter from Alvin being shot. For their parts, Alvin and Gary were lying on the ground and groaning, having evidently shot each other by accident. Sometimes, Dirk was pathetically grateful for the universe. 

Todd stepped over Alvin, shooting him a dark look as he did so. He grabbed Dirk’s arm and dragged him up and away to the entrance of the room, placing some distance between them and the men lying on the floor bleeding and moaning. 

“We’ve got to call the cops and Farah. Maybe they have some more animals somewhere.” Todd said, looking up and down the hallway outside. Dirk couldn’t say anything, just staring at the streaks of blood across Todd’s face. Todd could have been hurt, again. He could have been shot, lying bleeding on the ground while Dirk stood by helpless to do anything but hold his hand and say meaningless words of comfort. He remembered what it had been like to see that happen. He had known then that he would never be able to bear seeing that again without completely falling apart and it had almost happened again today, not even a month later. 

He had been right, that day when Todd went to hospital. Todd was better off without him. He should have left then. 

“Dirk?” Todd asked, and Dirk managed to tear his eyes away from the blood slowly oozing from the cut. Todd was gazing back at him now, a concerned frown slipping across his face. He winced when he furrowed his brow, the movement obviously pulling on his injury. Dirk felt his stomach roil and had to look away. 

He stared at the floor, which was grimy and streaked with dirt and dust, completely different from the floor in the hospital room Todd had stayed in or the clothes strewn living room floor in Dirk’s flat. He felt Todd’s hand come up to hesitantly rest on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. He shut his eyes, feeling the heat soak into him. 

“Are you okay? You’re just…a lot quieter than you usually are after people shoot at us.” Todd said, voice soft and concerned. Dirk squeezed his eyes shut against the burning growing there and nodded tightly. Todd hesitated, squeezed his shoulder again, and then retreated a few steps with a mumble about calling the police. 

Dirk successfully beat back the tears that wanted to gather, prying his eyes open to just look at Todd. He looked tired, leaning to one side while he spoke quietly into his mobile. He must have aggravated his injury during the fight, Dirk thought, and had to fight not to cry again. 

A few minutes later, Todd ended the call and moved back over to Dirk. “The cops are on their way. And Farah is super super pissed at us. Like, I think she might kill us herself.” 

Dirk flinched and looked away again.

Todd sighed. “Dirk, are you sure you’re okay? Because you’re acting really weird. I mean, weirder than usual.” Todd was next to him now, and he reached out his hand again like he couldn’t help himself, like he always wanted to be close to Dirk. But that couldn’t be true and Dirk couldn’t let himself believe it was true for even a second or he wouldn’t be able to keep going. And so he said the first thing he could think of that would make Todd never want to reach out to him, the only thing he could say that would finally make Todd safe. 

“I don’t want you as my assistant anymore.” 

Todd recoiled like he’d been burned, actually taking a step back. Dirk made himself look up at him, made himself absorb the way Todd’s eyes widened, the hurt and confusion that grew there. He needed to see this through, needed to internalize this so he wouldn’t make the stupid mistake of letting anyone close ever again. 

“What?” Todd breathed. Dirk tried to steel himself and failed. 

“I don’t want you as my assistant anymore.” Dirk said again. He wanted to say it with assurance so Todd wouldn’t question him, but the words came out wobbly, choked out of a throat that didn’t want to say them. 

Todd huffed a disbelieving breath, eyes darting around the room as if looking for someone to explain what Dirk was saying. It was simple, Dirk wanted to say. This is how I protect you, finally, instead of making you protect me. This is how I keep you safe, even if it hurts. 

“Look,” Todd said, an edge of desperation in his voice, “I’m sorry I dragged you here, but I honestly thought we could handle it and I was right! We were okay, we pulled through like we always do, you don’t have to -” 

“No!” Dirk cut him off loudly. “No, it wasn’t alright, Todd, we almost died again! It was too dangerous and we shouldn’t have come and - and we need to be done. We are done. We’re -” Dirk dragged in a desperate breath, “we’re finished. Here. With all of this.” 

Todd gaped at him. “What - you can’t - you don’t get to just decide that Dirk! I know that I shouldn’t have dragged us here, that’s on me and I-I don’t know what I would’ve done if -” He stopped, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts. 

“It’s not my fault these cases are dangerous so don’t pull that shit with me,” Todd finally said with strained calm. 

“Yes, I know that, that’s incredibly beside the point, Todd -” 

Todd cut in angrily. “It’s not even my fault I’m your assistant, you’re the one who told past-you to find past-me and then broke into my apartment -” 

“Well, maybe I would take that back if I could!” Dirk shouted. 

Dirk’s voice seemed to almost echo throughout the room, deafening in the otherwise quiet space. Todd gaped at him for a long moment before snapping his mouth shut with a click. He blinked hard and a tear slipped down his cheek only to be angrily wiped away. Dirk looked away, swallowing hard to try to remove the lump in his throat. 

“You can’t mean that.” Todd whispered. 

Dirk swallowed again, clearing his throat enough to speak. “Well, maybe I do.” 

Todd shook his head, a few more tears spilling out. “So has it all been a lie, then? All those times that you said we were friends, that the universe wanted us to be together, that you wouldn’t leave me, that was just - things you said? They didn’t mean anything?” 

Dirk couldn’t bear it, the way Todd was looking at him, the way his voice quavered and shook. “Of course they did, I meant every one, but don’t you understand? You almost died today, and it’s not even the first time this month.” 

Familiar stubborn lines furrowed Todd’s brow. “I told you before, it’s worth it -” 

“Not to me!” Dirk shouted, his desperation and worry overwhelming him. “I can’t lose you, Todd!” 

“Then why are you trying to leave me?” 

“Because I can’t lose you!” Dirk yelled, throwing his hands in the air. 

“That doesn’t make any sense!” Todd yelled back. 

They both fell silent, just staring at each other. Then Todd looked away, hanging his head. 

“Dirk,” he said, “if you really want me to go, I’ll respect that. I mean, it’s-it’s your detective agency. If you don’t want me there, then I’ll go.” 

Dirk nodded glumly, taking a deep, shaking breath and letting it out slowly. This is what he wanted; if Todd left, then he would be safe. Dirk wasn’t allowed to cry over it, no matter how much he wanted to. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up in shock. Todd had walked back over to him while he was wallowing and now he standing right in front of Dirk, staring into his eyes. Dirk couldn’t help but stare back.

Todd took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh. “I’ll leave if you want me to.” He said again, then used his grip on Dirk’s shoulder to give him a little shake. “But I won’t want to.” 

Shock echoed through Dirk’s body, making his eyes widen and his mouth drop open. That Todd could still want to be with him, could stand to be anywhere near him, after everything Dirk had said and done - it was nothing short of wondrous. It was a precious gift, one Dirk had done nothing to deserve. 

Todd shook his shoulder again. “Y’know what I was doing before I met you?” He snorted and shook his head wryly. “Fucking nothing. I was nothing. I was a washed up thirty-three years old with no prospects and no friends. All I had was a shitty job I hated and my family who I was lying to everyday.” Todd paused and swallowed. His hand slipped from Dirk’s shoulder to curl in his jacket. 

“And then I met you and I had a purpose.” Todd said, his eyes staring unflinchingly into Dirk’s. “My life had meaning. And I started to try again. To try to be better, to - be a better person. And I don’t always succeed but I try.” Todd used his grip on Dirk’s jacket to push him but didn’t let go, shoving him away then pulling him back in. “And that’s because of you.” 

“Todd -” Dirk breathed, unable to stop himself. He could feel the tears gathering in his eyes, could feel how he was shaking, and knew he must look a fright. But he couldn’t care in this moment, not when Todd was saying such precious things. 

“So, I’ll go if you want me to,” Todd said, barely even seeming to hear Dirk, so intent on what he was saying. “But you have to know, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here.” He stopped and looked around them with an ironic twist to his mouth. “I mean, maybe not right here, having this conversation surrounded by unconscious bad guys, but you know what I mean.” 

And Todd was so perfect in that moment, so beautiful, that Dirk had to kiss him. 

Todd froze for an instant before making a muffled noise and leaning into Dirk, wrapping his arms around him. Dirk pressed closer, using one hand to tip Todd’s face up while the other fisted in the back of Todd’s shirt. It was perfect, it was bliss, it was everything Dirk had wanted for so long - 

“Fucking finally!” A voice shouted behind them. Dirk was so startled he jumped back, getting a glimpse of Todd’s wide, surprised eyes before whirling around. Gary, the guy who had tried to shoot Todd, the wanker, was glaring at them with a cross look on his face. “I thought you were just going to stand there, crying at each other forever, while I’m stuck here watching you and bleeding to death.” 

“You can just - shut it!” Dirk snapped. He did not have time to deal with bad guys right now, didn’t he realize that Dirk had bigger things to think about? Also, it wasn’t like he was mortally injured or anything. Probably. 

He turned back to Todd, who was gaping at him flabbergasted. Even open-mouthed staring was a good look on him, Dirk thought with a lovesick sigh; it was really, truly unfair. 

“Did you -” Todd started to say, then trailed back into staring. 

“Yes.” Dirk said, suddenly unsure of himself. God, what had he been thinking, going from friend-breaking up with Todd to making out with him? That was an emotional rollercoaster bound to confuse anyone. 

Todd gestured to the apparently-not-that-unconscious bodies on the floor. “Is this because -”

“Oh no,” Dirk said quickly, “I figured this out a long time ago.” 

Todd’s eyes widened further. “You - so it’s because you -” 

“Yes!” Dirk said loudly, then paused to think. “If by that, you mean I like you. Which I do. A lot.” 

“Really?” Todd asked disbelievingly. Dirk rolled his eyes, his exasperation overcoming his anxiety. 

“Yes, Todd, of course I like you, have you ever seen me making out with anyone else?” 

“Well, no, but I mean -” Todd paused to gesture at himself. “Really?” 

Dirk sighed, finally letting a fraction of the affection he felt for Todd show on his face. God, it was such a relief. “Yes, Todd, you. Honestly, who else could it be?” 

Todd blinked before a huge grin started to spread across his face. “That’s - that’s awesome, Dirk, that’s -” he trailed off, just standing there grinning at Dirk. 

Dirk couldn’t help but grin back. “Yeah?” 

“Definitely.” 

They stood there grinning at each other like loons. Dirk could feel his cheeks flush the longer Todd looked at him. He didn’t think he’d ever made anyone as happy as he made Todd, just by being there. It was intoxicating and it made it impossible not to touch him. 

Dirk stepped closer, put his hands on Todd’s chest with a confidence he didn’t quite feel. Todd’s hands went to his hips, pulling him closer as his grin faded to a sweet smile. Dirk let his hand stroke up Todd’s chest to rest on his shoulders, then lifted one hand to cup Todd’s cheek when he didn’t pull away. 

“Can I -” Dirk started to ask, but couldn’t finish the question. Todd blinked at him.

“Again?” he asked, hands tightening briefly on Dirk’s hips. 

Dirk swallowed, suddenly unsure of his footing here. “If that’s alright.” 

Todd nodded hurriedly, using his grip bring Dirk closer, so close they were pressed together. “Yeah, of course that’s alright, I didn’t mean to - that is - I mean -”

Dirk thought Todd might take awhile to get his thoughts together and finish his sentence and decided to just cut to the chase and kiss him again. It was just as good as the first time. Better actually, as there was no accompanying commentary from the people who had tried to kill them other than an aggrieved sigh. 

It seemed like they had barely been kissing for a second before the police and paramedics started pouring into the room and they had to pull apart. Dirk and Todd stood off to the side, giving their statements to the detectives while Alvin and his cohorts were piled into ambulances. Dirk found it harder than usual to order his thoughts and give a somewhat coherent statement, distracted by the way Todd was holding his hand, occasionally stroking his thumb across it. 

When the police were finally done, one of the officers cuddling the previously-hypnotized dog, Todd pulled him outside. Dirk squeezed the hand in his, just to see Todd smile. 

“You ready to go home?” Todd asked, looking up at him fondly. 

“Yes,” Dirk said, and it was true. He was ready to go home, to the flat he shared with Todd. He was ready to spend the evening with Todd, this man the universe had decreed was meant for him. Everything wasn’t perfect: Dirk was still terrified that something would happen to Todd and couldn’t fight the thought that he was continuing to put Todd in danger. But Todd was right - it was worth it. And Dirk was willing to try, for him. 

Dirk leapt forward and gathered Todd in his arms for a hug. Todd laughed as he did, his arms coming around Dirk. Dirk couldn’t help but smile at hearing Todd sound so happy and buried his face in Todd’s shoulder. 

“What’s this for?” Todd asked. 

“I’m just happy,” Dirk said, lifting his head to press a kiss to Todd’s cheek before hugging him close. 

Todd laughed again, turning his head to lean on Dirk’s shoulder. He could feel Todd smiling and Dirk knew he would treasure this moment, and all the moments after.

**Author's Note:**

> i did an incredibly small amount of research for this, so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


End file.
